OK, before you read this post, have you read the one below it? About Microsoft discovering sex? No? Go read it now. Don't worry, it's cool, I'll wait. Kind of amusing wasn't it? Anyway, here are my actual thoughts on all of this shit that's been happening.
I was going to post the original article that inspired this rage (now kind of notorious on the internet), but it looks like the hack who wrote it has since taken the post down off of his site (probably for two reasons: 1) he realized that he could not support a single claim that he made and 2) he is a cowardly idiot. Yes I'm resorting to name calling, but whatever. I will call an idiot one if I damn well please). The thesis is essentially that Mass Effect is a sex simulator that is only a step away from breeding a generation of sexual deviants and rapists. In lieu of that riveting journalistic expose, here is the Wikipedia summary, and here is the video it mentions, which is so goddamned infuriating that in spite of the fact that I was in a public office, I could be seen, headphones on my ears, scoffing and seething throughout its duration. The best part is the host claiming to "just have gotten back into video games" when it is obvious that even duck hunt would be beyond this feeble twat's grasp.
What baffles me the most about this so-called controversy is that this information has been available since literally MONTHS before the goddamn game was even released. Haven't we been done with it for awhile anyway? Besides, it was much more terrifying when, you know, the game wasn't actually done and no one knew. Now, just go to youtube, search "mass effect alien sex" and voila! Oh god, just look at it! the horror! My fragile mind is forever shattered!
This whole scenario is really just part of a much more disturbing trend, however. Pundits are being given far too much control of what the media reports, and the thing about most pundits is that they argue, rather than report. Thusly, they aren't exactly obligated to present all sides of an argument, or in this case ANY side. What grinds my gears is that the material in question is available for public review. It comprises 1:30 seconds of a 20+ hour game, and yet people are still getting their collective panties in such a twist that Chubby Checker wouldn't even know what to do. These panels consist of nobody knowledgeable on the subject of electronic media and that is profoundly disturbing. We see the same patterns in global warming and medical issues like stem cells and abortions. Instead of knowledgeable and reputable people from the fields in question, "information" is instead disseminated to us by conservative business interests and religious nutcases.
The worst part is that people seem to buy into this painfully ignorant media hype as fact rather than question what sounds like an incredibly dubious claim to begin with. A video game filled with hours on end of nothing but sexually depraved interactive sequences just flat out would not exist, much like you would not see screenings of Anal Cumsluts 4 at your local movie theater playing alongside The Chronicles of Narnia. In fact, if a game garners an Adults Only rating (which such a game, as described by these moronic hacks, would certainly receive), then the major platforms (Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft) would refuse to allow them to be published for their system until the content is back in check and the ESRB deems it Mature or lower. The points that some people make are fairly reasonable: parents should watch what their children play. I wasn't allowed to play any games with shooting whatsoever until I was 11 and had a firm grasp of the fact that video games weren't reality (by that time I had about 5 years of gaming under my belt). But for fuck's sake people, parents don't NEED to be on the lookout for rape simulators. In fact, if you find yourself in an establishment where you wonder whether or not electronic rape how-to kits are being sold, you should probably just cut your losses and find a different store, as I can assure you, you are not at Gamestop.
I guess the encompassing argument to this diatribe is as follows: just because the caption at the bottom of the screen says "panel of experts" it does not mean that these people are experts. Oil companies are providing global warming studies, religious figures are telling us how we should handle the field of medicine, and psychologists who wouldn't recognize a playstation if they were bludgeoned in the face with the box are "authorities" on electronic entertainment. The trend seems to be that the louder someone is, the more weight they carry in that particular field, and that is simply not true. After all, if that was the case, I would be the goddamned president.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Microsoft Invented Sex
I'm not even fucking kidding here. If it was not for Microsoft, I never would have known what sex was. Oh, I was a perfectly normal guy, leading a perfectly normal life these past 20 years. You know, prayer circles, youth groups, witch burnings, the usual. This Christmas though, that all changed. My parents, in what could only be described as the worst move they could have made bought me the new popular electronic entertainment title called Mass Effect. I know their intentions were good. They never would have dreamed that a game that was rated M for Mature audiences would have inappropriate content. Even though I'm over 17 (the age specified on the box) by a good 3 years, it never hurts to be thoroughly scrutinizing in one's media consumption. I began playing this game, and my mind was BLOWN.
Every single event in this game is wrought with sex. Just all kinds of intercourse. There is a weapon called the sodomizer. There is a peripheral that you can attach to your xbox so that when you rape somebody in the game, you can rape somebody in real life, the game mapping and plotting your every thrust and violation in sickening 3-d high definition graphics (720, OR 1080p. Smut peddlers). The times when you're not perpetrating your sickest fantasies involving sodomy, curling irons, banana peels, and a large mouth bass, you are simply not playing this game. You know why that is? Every second is jam packed with more smut than Sodom itself.
I never knew what sex was until Microsoft brought it into the media for the first time ever in this video game, but now, all i do is rape people in mass effect, then when I eventually overheat the system from all of the hardcore-pornstar-fucking I'm doing, I set small animals on fire and rape little girls. Thanks a lot Microsoft, because you guys made this game, I'm a murdering sexual deviant, capable only of achieving orgasm if someone dresses up like an alien bitch and lets me hold a gun to their rectum.
Every single event in this game is wrought with sex. Just all kinds of intercourse. There is a weapon called the sodomizer. There is a peripheral that you can attach to your xbox so that when you rape somebody in the game, you can rape somebody in real life, the game mapping and plotting your every thrust and violation in sickening 3-d high definition graphics (720, OR 1080p. Smut peddlers). The times when you're not perpetrating your sickest fantasies involving sodomy, curling irons, banana peels, and a large mouth bass, you are simply not playing this game. You know why that is? Every second is jam packed with more smut than Sodom itself.
I never knew what sex was until Microsoft brought it into the media for the first time ever in this video game, but now, all i do is rape people in mass effect, then when I eventually overheat the system from all of the hardcore-pornstar-fucking I'm doing, I set small animals on fire and rape little girls. Thanks a lot Microsoft, because you guys made this game, I'm a murdering sexual deviant, capable only of achieving orgasm if someone dresses up like an alien bitch and lets me hold a gun to their rectum.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The Best $15 Ever Spent
This Sunday I managed to really accomplish something that I had been unable to do for a while. No, I don't mean study for finals or prepare myself in any way or anything ludicrous like that. No, this Sunday I finally got to see The Dillinger Escape Plan in all of their math-coresque glory. Granted, there were a few other bands there. Let's discuss them, shall we?
Shat: yes, as in the past tense of "shit". These guys actually feature what I believe is a former bassist of Dillinger, but it may have been a guitarist. DEP has had so many lineup changes that only one of their guitarists has appeared on every album. Anyway, shat was shit. I think Ryan put it best in saying that they were like GWAR minus 100 IQ points and a lot more dildos. Seriously, they were strapped to like every part of the singer's body. In fact, apart from dildos and a jock strap, guy was nude. We only saw like one song of theirs, and it was funny, but I imagine an entire set from them would grow tiresome.
Genghis Tron: These guys are very respectable on their studio releases. A good combination of synth and grind. A few problems though: they had no drummer, just a drum machine, which felt a little bit like cheating to me. Also, their two keyboardists/samplers didn't really seem into the show, they just kind of wanted to do their own thing, which made their guitarist (who was into the show) seem just kind of poorly matched. Still, a decent opener.
A Life Once Lost: I've never been particularly impressed with A Life Once Lost on their studio releases. The opposite is true for their live show. Their music, while generic, was enough to get some heads banging and some pits started and they just kept up some good energy. They played just the right amount of time so that when their welcome was worn out, they were finished and we could move on to the main event...
The Dillinger Escape Plan: The more I listen to them, the more I love them. I realize that mathcore (especially DEP style) is an acquired taste, but my god, this was the SHIT. It is also worth mentioning that Greg Puciato (their singer) looks like Henry Rollins after a few doses of steroids. The man could sink a battleship using nothing but his biceps. They opened with "Panasonic Youth", and from there played a myriad of songs new and old alike including "43% burnt", "Fix Your Fucking Face", "Lurch", "Milk Lizard", "When Good Dogs Do Bad Things", and closing marvelously with "Sunshine The Werewolf". There were other songs too, but I don't remember all of them. All I know is the band never stopped moving, the playing was spot on (which, considering the energy they kept up the whole show, was a very impressive feat). Greg Puciato at one point climbed a ladder up to the ceiling and finished a song up there, he brought out a torch and breathed fire over the audience, and stage and amp diving abounded throughout. I am still on a high from that show, and it is now 3 days later. You simply have not lived until you have seen The Dillinger Escape Plan live.
I guess that's about it. I finished my finals today and am heading home early tomorrow morning. I'll be back for 10 days, then it's off to Baltimore for New Years. Get your time in while it lasts, for it is a limited commodity.
Shat: yes, as in the past tense of "shit". These guys actually feature what I believe is a former bassist of Dillinger, but it may have been a guitarist. DEP has had so many lineup changes that only one of their guitarists has appeared on every album. Anyway, shat was shit. I think Ryan put it best in saying that they were like GWAR minus 100 IQ points and a lot more dildos. Seriously, they were strapped to like every part of the singer's body. In fact, apart from dildos and a jock strap, guy was nude. We only saw like one song of theirs, and it was funny, but I imagine an entire set from them would grow tiresome.
Genghis Tron: These guys are very respectable on their studio releases. A good combination of synth and grind. A few problems though: they had no drummer, just a drum machine, which felt a little bit like cheating to me. Also, their two keyboardists/samplers didn't really seem into the show, they just kind of wanted to do their own thing, which made their guitarist (who was into the show) seem just kind of poorly matched. Still, a decent opener.
A Life Once Lost: I've never been particularly impressed with A Life Once Lost on their studio releases. The opposite is true for their live show. Their music, while generic, was enough to get some heads banging and some pits started and they just kept up some good energy. They played just the right amount of time so that when their welcome was worn out, they were finished and we could move on to the main event...
The Dillinger Escape Plan: The more I listen to them, the more I love them. I realize that mathcore (especially DEP style) is an acquired taste, but my god, this was the SHIT. It is also worth mentioning that Greg Puciato (their singer) looks like Henry Rollins after a few doses of steroids. The man could sink a battleship using nothing but his biceps. They opened with "Panasonic Youth", and from there played a myriad of songs new and old alike including "43% burnt", "Fix Your Fucking Face", "Lurch", "Milk Lizard", "When Good Dogs Do Bad Things", and closing marvelously with "Sunshine The Werewolf". There were other songs too, but I don't remember all of them. All I know is the band never stopped moving, the playing was spot on (which, considering the energy they kept up the whole show, was a very impressive feat). Greg Puciato at one point climbed a ladder up to the ceiling and finished a song up there, he brought out a torch and breathed fire over the audience, and stage and amp diving abounded throughout. I am still on a high from that show, and it is now 3 days later. You simply have not lived until you have seen The Dillinger Escape Plan live.
I guess that's about it. I finished my finals today and am heading home early tomorrow morning. I'll be back for 10 days, then it's off to Baltimore for New Years. Get your time in while it lasts, for it is a limited commodity.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Musical Superlatives (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Put Off My Term Papers Just A Little More)
So, Allison has been doing a bunch of stuff for City Paper/Idolater over the last month about her musical superlatives of 2007. This of course got me thinking, what would mine be? Well wonder no more, good readers as I take you through the magical wonderland that is my musical preferences of the year.
Top 10 Albums of 2007
10. Untitled - KoЯn: They may have lost almost half of their original lineup, but perhaps that was the kick start the band needed to finally realize a sound that could be both experimental and yet true to their roots. A solid evolution for the band. There is actually a full review featured on this blog. Just check the tags. You'll find it.
9. Colors - Between The Buried & Me: Given that Alaska was more a step backwards for the band than anything, and Anatomy Of... was quite possibly the biggest blueballing of 2006, it's about time that BTBAM came out with something that possesses both the accessibility that they were shooting for with Alaska and the ferocity of their crowning achievement The Silent Circus. Finally, a return to form after almost 4 years of teetering on the edge.
8. Lies For The Liars - The Used: Catchy, Poppy, and juuuust the right amount of wailing from Bert McCracken without it becoming trite and cliched (well, more cliched. Emo wailing is in and of itself a cliche, but if you do it right, it sounds good and raw). The band added a little bit of a swingy element to most of the songs and gives them a distinctive danceable feel.
7. Mongrel - The Number Twelve Looks Like You: Each album from these guys gets better than its predecessor. Just the right amount of spastic without getting too repetitive, clever song titles and lyrics ("All Right, I admit it: It was a whorehouse" being my favorite) and great use of both of their vocalists.
6. Zeitgeist - Smashing Pumpkins: This album could have been really bad. No James, no D'arcy, no pumpkins right? Well, given the sound of this album, apparently you kind of only need Billy Corgan to make a Smashing Pumpkins Album. While it's not Mellon Collie... to be sure, it was nice to finally have some new SP back in my life.
5. Ire Works - The Dillinger Escape Plan: This is my last tech/prog/grind album, I swear. DEP really looked like they were headed the way of the dodo given how long this album took to come out, but it was worth the wait. This runs the gamut of "ambient white noise" to "club danceable" - to "grind your fucking face off".
4. Cex Cells - Blaqk Audio: OK, I admit it, the deliberate mis-spelling in the name is really retarded, but the music more than makes up for it. The band consists of Davey Havok and Jade Puget from AFI, but the music is more like early to mid 90's Depeche Mode if Davey Havok sung for them. I'm normally not huge on electronica, but this album blew me away.
3. The Big Dirty - Every Time I Die: No one does southern style hardcore as well as these guys, which is odd since they're from Buffalo, NY. Still though, the riffs on this album are ferocious, catchy, and always keep you guessing where they'll go next, and Keith Buckley's writing is as tongue in cheek as ever. Nothing quite matches "Hey there! Girls! I'm a cunt!" from "Bored Stiff" (off of Gutter Phenomenon, their previous release) in terms of laugh out loud hilarity upon hearing, but one of my favorite gems is "you know it gets so hard, it just gets so hard going limp in your arms". Poetry come to life, ladies and gentlemen.
2. The Marrow of a Bone - Dir En Grey: A lot of J-Rockers would probably try to have me excommunicated for this, but whatever, fuck em. I goddamn LOVED this album. Kyo goes from haunting and melodic to horrifying and screamy with incredible ease, making for a great mish-mash of different elements. The guitar work is some of the most solid I've heard from the band to date, and much like they did with Withering to Death, DEG takes the heaviness up a notch.
1. New Maps of Hell - Bad Religion: I'll be the first to admit that the members of Bad Religion could probably just record themselves pooping and I would probably lap that shit up like anti-freeze at a petting zoo, but this is really a legitimately fantastic album. Hell, it even made Allison's top 10 of '07 and she doesn't even really listen to the band. Anyway, it had been way too long since I heard anything new from Greg and the gang and I had been anticipating this the better part of a year. Blending elements from their early Suffer through Stranger Than Fiction days, deftly skipping over their Mr. Brett-less lulling middle years, and continuing on through Process of Belief and Empire Strikes First, this Album quite literally has everything that makes Bad Religion awesome, and while some tracks are slightly less awesome than others, I wouldn't say there's a bad one in the bunch. I would bear its babies then get a second job to support them through college. Definitely number 1 of '07.
As an added bonus, here are the albums that almost made the cut, but due to space constrictions, I had to leave out. Still quality albums, but maybe not top 10 quality.
*The Blackening - Machine Head
*The Last Kind Words - Devildriver
*Elect The Dead - Serj Tankian (it really killed me to have to eliminate this one)
*An Ocean Between Us - As I Lay Dying
*Rise of the Tyrant - Arch Enemy
*The Black and White Album - The Hives (I will probably catch hell from Allison for eliminating this one)
*Danza II: Electric Boogaloo - The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza
Feel free to comment with what you think your top 10 albums of '07 are. I feel like it would be fun to get a few different perspectives here (note: if you're reading through facebook, please comment on my actual blog page. Gracias!)
Top 10 Albums of 2007
10. Untitled - KoЯn: They may have lost almost half of their original lineup, but perhaps that was the kick start the band needed to finally realize a sound that could be both experimental and yet true to their roots. A solid evolution for the band. There is actually a full review featured on this blog. Just check the tags. You'll find it.
9. Colors - Between The Buried & Me: Given that Alaska was more a step backwards for the band than anything, and Anatomy Of... was quite possibly the biggest blueballing of 2006, it's about time that BTBAM came out with something that possesses both the accessibility that they were shooting for with Alaska and the ferocity of their crowning achievement The Silent Circus. Finally, a return to form after almost 4 years of teetering on the edge.
8. Lies For The Liars - The Used: Catchy, Poppy, and juuuust the right amount of wailing from Bert McCracken without it becoming trite and cliched (well, more cliched. Emo wailing is in and of itself a cliche, but if you do it right, it sounds good and raw). The band added a little bit of a swingy element to most of the songs and gives them a distinctive danceable feel.
7. Mongrel - The Number Twelve Looks Like You: Each album from these guys gets better than its predecessor. Just the right amount of spastic without getting too repetitive, clever song titles and lyrics ("All Right, I admit it: It was a whorehouse" being my favorite) and great use of both of their vocalists.
6. Zeitgeist - Smashing Pumpkins: This album could have been really bad. No James, no D'arcy, no pumpkins right? Well, given the sound of this album, apparently you kind of only need Billy Corgan to make a Smashing Pumpkins Album. While it's not Mellon Collie... to be sure, it was nice to finally have some new SP back in my life.
5. Ire Works - The Dillinger Escape Plan: This is my last tech/prog/grind album, I swear. DEP really looked like they were headed the way of the dodo given how long this album took to come out, but it was worth the wait. This runs the gamut of "ambient white noise" to "club danceable" - to "grind your fucking face off".
4. Cex Cells - Blaqk Audio: OK, I admit it, the deliberate mis-spelling in the name is really retarded, but the music more than makes up for it. The band consists of Davey Havok and Jade Puget from AFI, but the music is more like early to mid 90's Depeche Mode if Davey Havok sung for them. I'm normally not huge on electronica, but this album blew me away.
3. The Big Dirty - Every Time I Die: No one does southern style hardcore as well as these guys, which is odd since they're from Buffalo, NY. Still though, the riffs on this album are ferocious, catchy, and always keep you guessing where they'll go next, and Keith Buckley's writing is as tongue in cheek as ever. Nothing quite matches "Hey there! Girls! I'm a cunt!" from "Bored Stiff" (off of Gutter Phenomenon, their previous release) in terms of laugh out loud hilarity upon hearing, but one of my favorite gems is "you know it gets so hard, it just gets so hard going limp in your arms". Poetry come to life, ladies and gentlemen.
2. The Marrow of a Bone - Dir En Grey: A lot of J-Rockers would probably try to have me excommunicated for this, but whatever, fuck em. I goddamn LOVED this album. Kyo goes from haunting and melodic to horrifying and screamy with incredible ease, making for a great mish-mash of different elements. The guitar work is some of the most solid I've heard from the band to date, and much like they did with Withering to Death, DEG takes the heaviness up a notch.
1. New Maps of Hell - Bad Religion: I'll be the first to admit that the members of Bad Religion could probably just record themselves pooping and I would probably lap that shit up like anti-freeze at a petting zoo, but this is really a legitimately fantastic album. Hell, it even made Allison's top 10 of '07 and she doesn't even really listen to the band. Anyway, it had been way too long since I heard anything new from Greg and the gang and I had been anticipating this the better part of a year. Blending elements from their early Suffer through Stranger Than Fiction days, deftly skipping over their Mr. Brett-less lulling middle years, and continuing on through Process of Belief and Empire Strikes First, this Album quite literally has everything that makes Bad Religion awesome, and while some tracks are slightly less awesome than others, I wouldn't say there's a bad one in the bunch. I would bear its babies then get a second job to support them through college. Definitely number 1 of '07.
As an added bonus, here are the albums that almost made the cut, but due to space constrictions, I had to leave out. Still quality albums, but maybe not top 10 quality.
*The Blackening - Machine Head
*The Last Kind Words - Devildriver
*Elect The Dead - Serj Tankian (it really killed me to have to eliminate this one)
*An Ocean Between Us - As I Lay Dying
*Rise of the Tyrant - Arch Enemy
*The Black and White Album - The Hives (I will probably catch hell from Allison for eliminating this one)
*Danza II: Electric Boogaloo - The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza
Feel free to comment with what you think your top 10 albums of '07 are. I feel like it would be fun to get a few different perspectives here (note: if you're reading through facebook, please comment on my actual blog page. Gracias!)
Monday, December 10, 2007
My Apologies
So, haven't updated in like a month and a half almost. Heh heh... sorry about that. I have come back with 2 today though, so when you're done with this jewel, make sure to read the one below it, as it is new too. I would say that I've been busy with class or really stressed, or sick, or whatever, but you and I both know that's a lot of bullshit. Truth is, I just haven't really felt like writing. If you were looking for a more exciting explanation, I was in rehab for the month of November after I was caught servicing a pre-op transsexual for crystal meth. Whichever story you go with, the outcome is the same. Lo, I have return-ed (see, I put the hyphen there so that even when you're reading this, you'll hear me pronouncing that "ed" with some kind of biblical emphasis).
Anyhoo, I find that I always write best when something is sticking in my craw, and frankly I just haven't been crazily annoyed with anything enough to share it all with you. Well, no more! Hello dwindling primetime lineup!
See, I thought that this writer's strike was going to put a serious cramp into my life because there are quite a few shows that I follow rather avidly. The Office, Scrubs, Lost, Boston Legal, Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives (those last two to indulge my dormant queer side. I don't do theater anymore, so I have to vent my gayness elsewhere), and most recently Heroes. That's a lot of television hours. It's a wonder I get any work done at all (that was a lie. I don't do any work.). Anyhow, imagine how distraught I was to hear that some of my shows might not even make it to Christmas because of this writer's strike. Then I managed to get caught up on all of these shows. Know how many I'm going to give a shit about now? 2. Heroes and The Office. And do you know why? they're the only shows where the writing doesn't suck balls.
See, the problem is that no writers seem to think that's OK for characters to ever be in a happy relationship, so more often than not, they resort to continual will they/won't they plots and wind up losing the audience. Certainly the case with my *ahem* less manly indulgences. The problem is that this has been going on for 3 years now (with Grey's and Housewives anyway) and quite frankly it has to stop. I've gotten to the point where I don't care who gets together with who anymore. I would rejoice the Death of over half the cast Housewives of and all but about 3 of the characters on Grey's. Lost has not had any informative plot developments since the beginning of season 2, just the writers jerking around the audience like their mysterious "monster" (which we have now learned is apparently sentient smoke or possibly a polar bear with a cigar...?) beating down Mr. Ecko.
So, writer's guild of America, I have a proposition for you. I'll support your cause to stop getting screwed by corporate fat-cats, and you guys stop treating your audience like chimps, come up with plot points that actually develop characters and make me care about them again, and for the love of god make Lost a good show again. Heroes and The Office are still OK, so changing those at all immediately removes my support. And you know how important that is. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Anyhoo, I find that I always write best when something is sticking in my craw, and frankly I just haven't been crazily annoyed with anything enough to share it all with you. Well, no more! Hello dwindling primetime lineup!
See, I thought that this writer's strike was going to put a serious cramp into my life because there are quite a few shows that I follow rather avidly. The Office, Scrubs, Lost, Boston Legal, Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives (those last two to indulge my dormant queer side. I don't do theater anymore, so I have to vent my gayness elsewhere), and most recently Heroes. That's a lot of television hours. It's a wonder I get any work done at all (that was a lie. I don't do any work.). Anyhow, imagine how distraught I was to hear that some of my shows might not even make it to Christmas because of this writer's strike. Then I managed to get caught up on all of these shows. Know how many I'm going to give a shit about now? 2. Heroes and The Office. And do you know why? they're the only shows where the writing doesn't suck balls.
See, the problem is that no writers seem to think that's OK for characters to ever be in a happy relationship, so more often than not, they resort to continual will they/won't they plots and wind up losing the audience. Certainly the case with my *ahem* less manly indulgences. The problem is that this has been going on for 3 years now (with Grey's and Housewives anyway) and quite frankly it has to stop. I've gotten to the point where I don't care who gets together with who anymore. I would rejoice the Death of over half the cast Housewives of and all but about 3 of the characters on Grey's. Lost has not had any informative plot developments since the beginning of season 2, just the writers jerking around the audience like their mysterious "monster" (which we have now learned is apparently sentient smoke or possibly a polar bear with a cigar...?) beating down Mr. Ecko.
So, writer's guild of America, I have a proposition for you. I'll support your cause to stop getting screwed by corporate fat-cats, and you guys stop treating your audience like chimps, come up with plot points that actually develop characters and make me care about them again, and for the love of god make Lost a good show again. Heroes and The Office are still OK, so changing those at all immediately removes my support. And you know how important that is. Be afraid, be very afraid.
The Spike Video Game Awards had as much to do with video games as the Oscars have to do with kickboxing
So, I fell victim to a bout of work ennui last night (read "laziness") and watched a shitload of television. The block from 9:30 until about 11 had about nothing on, so I decided to watch the 2007 Video Game Awards on Spike. Oh man, that was a horrible idea. While they most certainly could have been far worse (I imagined a conglomeration of people repeatedly honoring Halo 3 and Madden NFL 2007 for every category, including best RPG) they also could have actually had a damn thing to do with video games.
The show was basically an excuse to get celebrities to parade onstage and talk about how with it they are and how much they looooove video games yeah yeah alright whoopie mazeltov. They were hosted by Sam Jackson, and while I love the man's films, being the voice of one character in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas makes you far from a sage on the subject. Nay, one might even say ignorant, as he somehow managed to mistake a Playstation controller for an Xbox while commenting on a photoshopped picture of George W and Saddam playing video games. Allow me to show you something:
This is a Playstation Controller. It is grey, a comfortable size, has pretty shapes to denote buttons, and no matter how much you want it to, it will not work with a goddamned xbox.
This is an Xbox Controller. It is larger than a baby's head, has the usual ABXY button configuration, is black, and differs most from the above in that it is NOT used with a god damn playstation.
The important thing to take away here is that, to paraphrase Dave Grohl, one of these things is not like the fucking other you ignorant twat! But the stupidity does not stop there. Also paraded onstage was Kristen Bell (as the award winner for "hottest voice actress" for her work in Assassin's Creed. She beat out no one because there were no other nominees), the guy who voiced the rat in ratatouille, some guy from Harmonix who was wearing a fedora, apparently uninformed of the fact that it is no longer 1950, Hayden goddamn Christiansen (the proof that no actual nerds were there was that he wasn't booed and egged for making what were already 2 horrible movies about a thousand times worse), and scantily clad, painted hoochies. They used the exact same stock footage (sometimes from previews that were literally over a year old) every time they announced a game, regardless of what category it was for. Almost no in-game footage was shown, so nobody even really knew what kind of games were winning, just that they had flashy previews that have been available for public viewing across the internet for years. The Orange Box got nominated so many goddamn times that I can still recite precisely what happens (Shot from team fortress two of guy using a shotgun, followed by shot of guy receding into shadows, followed by shot of turret and general carnage, switch over to Half Life 2 Episode 1 show a tower exploding, a robot pounces on a guy, and Michael throws something at the fucking screen).
My point is that gamers are nerdy enough to know players from the industry. I might actually care about Nintendo's newest game if it was presented by Shigeru Miyamoto or one of his proxies rather than some half assed Jimmy Fallon looking motherfucker. Would it be so hard to get someone from Ubisoft, or 2K Games, or even fucking Infinium Labs (nerd points to you if you got that one) rather than having Annakin Skywalker tell me the game of the year? (It was Bioshock, by the way. There is some justice in the world, as it is probably better in every way shape and form than any game I have played this year and possibly in the last couple of years.) Shallow as it may seem, I don't care about an "exclusive premiere" of some game when it's being presented by flashy celebrities. If the company cares as little as they do about this content to not handle it themselves, is it really worth watching? And if this was targeted at casual gamers, not hardcore audiences, why all the hype that this was "the most important night in gaming" (you know, fuck PAX, E3 and the like. Real Gamers watch a shitty show on Spike TV). And if it was for hardcore gamers, why the shitty celebrities instead of industry figures? Kid Rock, Tila Tequila, and Tony Hawk probably elicit less excitement in me than would a root canal.
And lastly: please, please, please, someone show Sam Jackson what an XBOX looks like.
The show was basically an excuse to get celebrities to parade onstage and talk about how with it they are and how much they looooove video games yeah yeah alright whoopie mazeltov. They were hosted by Sam Jackson, and while I love the man's films, being the voice of one character in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas makes you far from a sage on the subject. Nay, one might even say ignorant, as he somehow managed to mistake a Playstation controller for an Xbox while commenting on a photoshopped picture of George W and Saddam playing video games. Allow me to show you something:
This is a Playstation Controller. It is grey, a comfortable size, has pretty shapes to denote buttons, and no matter how much you want it to, it will not work with a goddamned xbox. This is an Xbox Controller. It is larger than a baby's head, has the usual ABXY button configuration, is black, and differs most from the above in that it is NOT used with a god damn playstation.The important thing to take away here is that, to paraphrase Dave Grohl, one of these things is not like the fucking other you ignorant twat! But the stupidity does not stop there. Also paraded onstage was Kristen Bell (as the award winner for "hottest voice actress" for her work in Assassin's Creed. She beat out no one because there were no other nominees), the guy who voiced the rat in ratatouille, some guy from Harmonix who was wearing a fedora, apparently uninformed of the fact that it is no longer 1950, Hayden goddamn Christiansen (the proof that no actual nerds were there was that he wasn't booed and egged for making what were already 2 horrible movies about a thousand times worse), and scantily clad, painted hoochies. They used the exact same stock footage (sometimes from previews that were literally over a year old) every time they announced a game, regardless of what category it was for. Almost no in-game footage was shown, so nobody even really knew what kind of games were winning, just that they had flashy previews that have been available for public viewing across the internet for years. The Orange Box got nominated so many goddamn times that I can still recite precisely what happens (Shot from team fortress two of guy using a shotgun, followed by shot of guy receding into shadows, followed by shot of turret and general carnage, switch over to Half Life 2 Episode 1 show a tower exploding, a robot pounces on a guy, and Michael throws something at the fucking screen).
My point is that gamers are nerdy enough to know players from the industry. I might actually care about Nintendo's newest game if it was presented by Shigeru Miyamoto or one of his proxies rather than some half assed Jimmy Fallon looking motherfucker. Would it be so hard to get someone from Ubisoft, or 2K Games, or even fucking Infinium Labs (nerd points to you if you got that one) rather than having Annakin Skywalker tell me the game of the year? (It was Bioshock, by the way. There is some justice in the world, as it is probably better in every way shape and form than any game I have played this year and possibly in the last couple of years.) Shallow as it may seem, I don't care about an "exclusive premiere" of some game when it's being presented by flashy celebrities. If the company cares as little as they do about this content to not handle it themselves, is it really worth watching? And if this was targeted at casual gamers, not hardcore audiences, why all the hype that this was "the most important night in gaming" (you know, fuck PAX, E3 and the like. Real Gamers watch a shitty show on Spike TV). And if it was for hardcore gamers, why the shitty celebrities instead of industry figures? Kid Rock, Tila Tequila, and Tony Hawk probably elicit less excitement in me than would a root canal.
And lastly: please, please, please, someone show Sam Jackson what an XBOX looks like.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
In Lieu of Anything Substantial
So, I feel like I owe all 2 readers I probably have left an update of some kind, given that I haven't said shit since my diatribe on elevator etiquette (not my best work either. I'm actually considering taking it down.) The problem, of course, is that I don't seem to have anything of great substance to say, so I'm going to try a little experiment where I just start blabbing and see if I can find any diamonds in all of these turds.
It's been a fairly shitty few weeks for Allison, what with her bronchial death cough followed by the death of her grandma. Unfortunately, the trite saying seems to hold true in shitty times as well as good: "when it rains, it fucking pours." Anyway, it was a lonely weekend for the both of us, but I met her at the train station on Wednesday morning and she seems to be doing much better. Her years of Jew-Rage make her a very tough cookie I guess.
Oh, I also got to go see Bad Religion this monday last, which made up for the debacle that was this year's warped tour ("Oh god! Rain! Being an all summer outdoor show traveling around the country, we never possibly considered that we might encounter inclement weather! Planning ahead so we don't have to delay the show for over an hour then switch everything around without telling the audience won't possibly be necessary). I also got to take Megan's concert virginity with this one, and let me say what a show to do it with. Opening with "Fuck Armageddon This Is Hell", then a spectacular combination of new and old songs (including, but by no means limited to "Suffer", "Recipe For Hate", "Come Join us", "The Defense", "New Dark Ages", and my personal favorite addition, "Dearly Beloved"), closing with "Infected" and "American Jesus". I had my tickets for this show about a month and a half in advance and it was completely worth the wait.
In NYU news, I fucking loathe my comparative politics of the near and middle east class. The professor is a big British windbag who prides himself on giving crappy grades, all the while mentally jerking himself off by assigning us things he wrote himself (asshole, you goddamn wrote it, why are we the ones who are reciting it back to you? oh right, you're a pompous windbag.) I just can't seem to do well in this class (I think my grade is presently a C). I know what you're thinking, it's probably because I spend too much time killing my liver slowly and not enough studying. Then explain my A's in Russian, Russian Lit, and International Politics, asshole. Yeah, that's what I thought. The man assigns reading loads that I would consider drastic for 2 combined classes and goddammit I just can't keep up. Apparently, the field of comparative politics is not for yours truly.
I seem to have hit a block on shit to say, so I guess that I'll conclude here for now. Time to get back to my exciting and fulfilling office assistant duties.
It's been a fairly shitty few weeks for Allison, what with her bronchial death cough followed by the death of her grandma. Unfortunately, the trite saying seems to hold true in shitty times as well as good: "when it rains, it fucking pours." Anyway, it was a lonely weekend for the both of us, but I met her at the train station on Wednesday morning and she seems to be doing much better. Her years of Jew-Rage make her a very tough cookie I guess.
Oh, I also got to go see Bad Religion this monday last, which made up for the debacle that was this year's warped tour ("Oh god! Rain! Being an all summer outdoor show traveling around the country, we never possibly considered that we might encounter inclement weather! Planning ahead so we don't have to delay the show for over an hour then switch everything around without telling the audience won't possibly be necessary). I also got to take Megan's concert virginity with this one, and let me say what a show to do it with. Opening with "Fuck Armageddon This Is Hell", then a spectacular combination of new and old songs (including, but by no means limited to "Suffer", "Recipe For Hate", "Come Join us", "The Defense", "New Dark Ages", and my personal favorite addition, "Dearly Beloved"), closing with "Infected" and "American Jesus". I had my tickets for this show about a month and a half in advance and it was completely worth the wait.
In NYU news, I fucking loathe my comparative politics of the near and middle east class. The professor is a big British windbag who prides himself on giving crappy grades, all the while mentally jerking himself off by assigning us things he wrote himself (asshole, you goddamn wrote it, why are we the ones who are reciting it back to you? oh right, you're a pompous windbag.) I just can't seem to do well in this class (I think my grade is presently a C). I know what you're thinking, it's probably because I spend too much time killing my liver slowly and not enough studying. Then explain my A's in Russian, Russian Lit, and International Politics, asshole. Yeah, that's what I thought. The man assigns reading loads that I would consider drastic for 2 combined classes and goddammit I just can't keep up. Apparently, the field of comparative politics is not for yours truly.
I seem to have hit a block on shit to say, so I guess that I'll conclude here for now. Time to get back to my exciting and fulfilling office assistant duties.
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