Microsoft Invented Sex

I'm not even fucking kidding here. If it was not for Microsoft, I never would have known what sex was. Oh, I was a perfectly normal guy, leading a perfectly normal life these past 20 years. You know, prayer circles, youth groups, witch burnings, the usual. This Christmas though, that all changed. My parents, in what could only be described as the worst move they could have made bought me the new popular electronic entertainment title called Mass Effect. I know their intentions were good. They never would have dreamed that a game that was rated M for Mature audiences would have inappropriate content. Even though I'm over 17 (the age specified on the box) by a good 3 years, it never hurts to be thoroughly scrutinizing in one's media consumption. I began playing this game, and my mind was BLOWN.

Every single event in this game is wrought with sex. Just all kinds of intercourse. There is a weapon called the sodomizer. There is a peripheral that you can attach to your xbox so that when you rape somebody in the game, you can rape somebody in real life, the game mapping and plotting your every thrust and violation in sickening 3-d high definition graphics (720, OR 1080p. Smut peddlers). The times when you're not perpetrating your sickest fantasies involving sodomy, curling irons, banana peels, and a large mouth bass, you are simply not playing this game. You know why that is? Every second is jam packed with more smut than Sodom itself.

I never knew what sex was until Microsoft brought it into the media for the first time ever in this video game, but now, all i do is rape people in mass effect, then when I eventually overheat the system from all of the hardcore-pornstar-fucking I'm doing, I set small animals on fire and rape little girls. Thanks a lot Microsoft, because you guys made this game, I'm a murdering sexual deviant, capable only of achieving orgasm if someone dresses up like an alien bitch and lets me hold a gun to their rectum.