The show was basically an excuse to get celebrities to parade onstage and talk about how with it they are and how much they looooove video games yeah yeah alright whoopie mazeltov. They were hosted by Sam Jackson, and while I love the man's films, being the voice of one character in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas makes you far from a sage on the subject. Nay, one might even say ignorant, as he somehow managed to mistake a Playstation controller for an Xbox while commenting on a photoshopped picture of George W and Saddam playing video games. Allow me to show you something:
This is a Playstation Controller. It is grey, a comfortable size, has pretty shapes to denote buttons, and no matter how much you want it to, it will not work with a goddamned xbox.
This is an Xbox Controller. It is larger than a baby's head, has the usual ABXY button configuration, is black, and differs most from the above in that it is NOT used with a god damn playstation.The important thing to take away here is that, to paraphrase Dave Grohl, one of these things is not like the fucking other you ignorant twat! But the stupidity does not stop there. Also paraded onstage was Kristen Bell (as the award winner for "hottest voice actress" for her work in Assassin's Creed. She beat out no one because there were no other nominees), the guy who voiced the rat in ratatouille, some guy from Harmonix who was wearing a fedora, apparently uninformed of the fact that it is no longer 1950, Hayden goddamn Christiansen (the proof that no actual nerds were there was that he wasn't booed and egged for making what were already 2 horrible movies about a thousand times worse), and scantily clad, painted hoochies. They used the exact same stock footage (sometimes from previews that were literally over a year old) every time they announced a game, regardless of what category it was for. Almost no in-game footage was shown, so nobody even really knew what kind of games were winning, just that they had flashy previews that have been available for public viewing across the internet for years. The Orange Box got nominated so many goddamn times that I can still recite precisely what happens (Shot from team fortress two of guy using a shotgun, followed by shot of guy receding into shadows, followed by shot of turret and general carnage, switch over to Half Life 2 Episode 1 show a tower exploding, a robot pounces on a guy, and Michael throws something at the fucking screen).
My point is that gamers are nerdy enough to know players from the industry. I might actually care about Nintendo's newest game if it was presented by Shigeru Miyamoto or one of his proxies rather than some half assed Jimmy Fallon looking motherfucker. Would it be so hard to get someone from Ubisoft, or 2K Games, or even fucking Infinium Labs (nerd points to you if you got that one) rather than having Annakin Skywalker tell me the game of the year? (It was Bioshock, by the way. There is some justice in the world, as it is probably better in every way shape and form than any game I have played this year and possibly in the last couple of years.) Shallow as it may seem, I don't care about an "exclusive premiere" of some game when it's being presented by flashy celebrities. If the company cares as little as they do about this content to not handle it themselves, is it really worth watching? And if this was targeted at casual gamers, not hardcore audiences, why all the hype that this was "the most important night in gaming" (you know, fuck PAX, E3 and the like. Real Gamers watch a shitty show on Spike TV). And if it was for hardcore gamers, why the shitty celebrities instead of industry figures? Kid Rock, Tila Tequila, and Tony Hawk probably elicit less excitement in me than would a root canal.
And lastly: please, please, please, someone show Sam Jackson what an XBOX looks like.
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