It's getting to be the end of 2008 and you know what that means: I cram my musical tastes down everyone's throat in my top 10 albums of the year. But don't take my word for it... no, no, DO take my word for it. Moving on...
10. ObZen - Meshuggah
Every time Meshuggah releases an album I always think to myself: "why bother dividing this into tracks?" But the thing is, their hour long fiddling with spastic time signature changes and attempts to see how many more strings they can add below a low E continue to impress me. Is it as good as Nothing? No, but it's damn fine and they pull out plenty of riffs that will surprise and impress.
9. Fortress - Protest the Hero
Their initial effort (Kezia), while technically very proficient, suffered from really shitty mixing. This is a problem when you do really high, technical riffing and coheed-esque wailing (in a good way, but it's still really high) and forget to put any bass into the mix. Fortress fixed this problem, and the songwriting as a whole has stepped up a notch. Sometimes incredibly disonnant, sometimes very melodious, but very tight, fast, and technical. A promising act.
8. Shogun - Trivium
This is more of an award for improvement than for releasing a spectacular album. It's certainly no Ascendancy, but the way they removed everything I disliked about The Crusade, it's like this album was a personal apology to me, and that says something.
7. Watershed - Opeth
Opeth takes their usual sound here, but adds a lot of proggy little tidbits to distract from the Death Metal assault that their songs have a tendency to dissolve into. On the whole, this album feels more balanced than anything they've done in a while, which proves that even the most established death/prog acts can be subject to maturing once in a while.
6. Reason to Believe - Pennywise
These guys have kind of been phoning it in for a while, but this album gets them back to some silver age style Land of the Free type shit. It doesn't hurt when they just give the album out for free for the first two weeks of its release either. Point is, this feels like the first album where they've put in any effort in years, and it is a reminder of how great Pennywise CAN be. Now if someone could only convince them to play any songs from after 1995 in concert...
5. Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace - The Offspring
It has been 5 goddamn years since these guys have done anything, then out of the blue they came out with a full album and much to my surprise, it was really good. Like, at least as good as Splinter. A few too many slow-ish radio sounding songs, but the faster SoCal punk tracks completely make up for it. "Shit is Fucked Up" is probably one of the best songs they've done since "All I Want"
4. Agony and Irony - Alkaline Trio
The problem when a band's most recent release is your favorite is that the subsequent release is almost guaranteed to disappoint. This album, however, had me astounded at how fluidly the guys picked up from where they left off with Crimson, and keep moving in a new and fresh direction. They've gone in a less minimalist direction, but it's nice to see that they acknowledge that sticking with a minimalist sound stagnates quickly. Just another solid release in an ever improving series.
3. Appeal to Reason - Rise Against
You know, I have this written down as my number three, but coming up with specific reasons is hard. Rise against is one of the few bands where I like how relatively static their sound has remained, so the reason I liked this album so much is that it was exactly what I was expecting: More of the same, but a little tweaked for complexity's sake. This is a pretty subjective pick, but fuck you, you don't like it, write your own damn blog nobody reads.
2. Want - 3OH!3
I can't even begin to describe how much I love this album. I wish I could defend myself by saying it's an ironic love, but it has surpassed that. The songs are catchy, trashy, shamelessly self promoting, and probably the most fun ANYTHING I've heard in a long ass time. 3OH!3 is literally the only thing that I have a remote amount of Colorado pride for. Fun! Trashy! Catchy! Delightful! ETC.!!!!!
1. If - Mindless Self Indulgence
I mean, did anyone not see this one coming? Within 2 days of the album's release the top 15 on my iTunes "top 25 most played" were the tracks from this album. It exemplifies everything I loved about their last album, but even more so. I mean, MSI is totally one of those bands that you either like the sound or you don't. If you like MSI, you'll like this album, if you don't, you won't. I personally LOVE MSI and thusly would bed this album in an intimate manner. Several times. Consecutively.
And here is the rest of the crap that aaaaalmost made the list:
Scars on Broadway - Scars on Broadway - This was nixed because Daron is a bitch, no matter what captain "anonymous" says a few posts below. Also because half of the songs on it are shit, but the other half are really really awesome.
All Hope Is Gone - Slipknot - Maybe if Corey hadn't decided to make a new Stone Sour album featuring guest appearances by Slipknot, I would still care that this album existed. As it stands, it didn't bode well that when I went through the "list of 2008 releases" on Wikipedia, I saw this album and said "oh right, they DID come out with something this summer".
Death Magnetic - Metallica - A really solid effort. I just can't bring myself to honor James Hetfield or Lars Ulrich for anything. They are insufferable whiny bitches who just happened to make good music in the 80's and very early 90's, and then one more time in 2008.
Midnight Boom - The Kills - This album is really quite good, and their singer just has a very sexy sound (yes their singer is a girl, wiseasses). The problem here was that it was a little too samey and the sound never got quiiiite interesting enough to justify the samey-ness.
Well, that's that. See you kids around.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Over the Shark, On to the Beach, and Straight on to Cancellation
I am willing to put up with a lot of stupid shit from my entertainment. I have watched every last episode of Lost and 24, I love the Die Hard series (including the new one), and still get perverse joy from watching Quentin Tarantino's cinematic tripe. As I write this, however, I feel that a certain line has been irrevocably crossed. What line, you may ask? The degree of bullshit I am willing to put up with from none other than Doctor Gregory House M.D.
The show has been going south for a while now, but I've stuck with it simply because Hugh Laurie plays such an unbelievable asshole that i marvel at the writing required to come up with somebody who is such a genuinely awful human being. This last week's episode has officially torn it for me. Perhaps you may have seen it, although if you have I'm surprised you're reading my blog instead of projectile vomiting all over your keyboard.
There were so many status quo changing elements in this episode that there is simply no way for any kind of return to a healthy equilibrium to make even remote sense. House almost got one of his doctors killed, alternated between chatting up and openly harassing a man with a gun pointed at him and other people, got the gun away from the guy, gave the gun back to the guy, then proceeded to be oh-so shocked and indignant when SURPRISE: the lunatic with the gun failed to act rationally in regards to other people's safety.
You don't play up a character's keen intuition into the workings of people's minds (all people are bad) and then take away that intuition when a character so repugnantly shallow even I could identify the, uh, character flaws starts waving a fucking gun around. And why did nobody think to simply breach Cuddy's office when this shit was still in first gear. Everyone in the House universe with the surprising exception of Chase and Foreman turned into hyper-emotional mongoloids, whining about their problems (sometimes to the fucking hostage taker) and talking through their inabilities to have normal lives. Hell they chatted so much you almost forgot that there was a man with a gun and a fucking SWAT team assembled at the hospital.
So, Dr. House, I say to you this: I have had it with your stupid bullshit. You have run out of medical scenarios that could even be minutely based in reality and thusly have to revert to waxing existential on mortality for about 20 fucking minutes every episode, and when that doesn't work, you throw in a bunch of people with guns, only you fuck that up too as nobody who would ordinarily be trained in using them seems to remember that they even have them. To say this show jumped the shark with this episode would be giving it too much credit. It's as if the show tried to jump the shark, but didn't quite get enough momentum and fell straight into its gaping maw, where it was promptly digested and shat out to become plankton food.
Oh also, the above paragraphs contain spoilers or some shit.
The show has been going south for a while now, but I've stuck with it simply because Hugh Laurie plays such an unbelievable asshole that i marvel at the writing required to come up with somebody who is such a genuinely awful human being. This last week's episode has officially torn it for me. Perhaps you may have seen it, although if you have I'm surprised you're reading my blog instead of projectile vomiting all over your keyboard.
There were so many status quo changing elements in this episode that there is simply no way for any kind of return to a healthy equilibrium to make even remote sense. House almost got one of his doctors killed, alternated between chatting up and openly harassing a man with a gun pointed at him and other people, got the gun away from the guy, gave the gun back to the guy, then proceeded to be oh-so shocked and indignant when SURPRISE: the lunatic with the gun failed to act rationally in regards to other people's safety.
You don't play up a character's keen intuition into the workings of people's minds (all people are bad) and then take away that intuition when a character so repugnantly shallow even I could identify the, uh, character flaws starts waving a fucking gun around. And why did nobody think to simply breach Cuddy's office when this shit was still in first gear. Everyone in the House universe with the surprising exception of Chase and Foreman turned into hyper-emotional mongoloids, whining about their problems (sometimes to the fucking hostage taker) and talking through their inabilities to have normal lives. Hell they chatted so much you almost forgot that there was a man with a gun and a fucking SWAT team assembled at the hospital.
So, Dr. House, I say to you this: I have had it with your stupid bullshit. You have run out of medical scenarios that could even be minutely based in reality and thusly have to revert to waxing existential on mortality for about 20 fucking minutes every episode, and when that doesn't work, you throw in a bunch of people with guns, only you fuck that up too as nobody who would ordinarily be trained in using them seems to remember that they even have them. To say this show jumped the shark with this episode would be giving it too much credit. It's as if the show tried to jump the shark, but didn't quite get enough momentum and fell straight into its gaping maw, where it was promptly digested and shat out to become plankton food.
Oh also, the above paragraphs contain spoilers or some shit.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A Double Dose of Post-Concert Wrapups
Due to an ever shrinking checking account and the simple fact that no particularly interesting bands have come through New York (and when they do they cancel their tours for no reason *cough*scarsonbroadway*cough*) I haven't gone to a terrible amount of shows this year. Fortunately the last 5 days have completely made up for this disparity by offering me Dir en Grey with The Human Abstract on the 14th and just last night (the 18th) 3OH!3. So without further ado, my thoughts:
Dir En Grey w/ The Human Abstract
November 14th @ Terminal 5
Having seen Dir En Grey twice now and The Human Abstract once, I figured I knew precisely what to expect from this show: 3 or so hours of pure fucking awesome. Sadly, however, this was not the case. See, The Human Abstract recently (well, like 3 months ago anyway) released a new album and hence were promoting it on this tour. All well and good if they had managed to release an album that was actually worth listening to. Instead they tried to sound like the love child of Avenged Sevenfold and Opeth, but somehow missed every element that makes (in A7X's case, made) those bands any good and instead came out with a mishmash of boring and generic metalcore bullshit that had maybe one interesting riff per song. Now the problem with promoting your stupid shitty pseudo-prog album is that you have to play a bunch of songs from it. Thusly, we were treated to about 40 minutes of off key wailing while they meandered through emo keyboard driven sobfests followed occasionally by a song from the album where they were, you know, fun to listen to.
Dir En Grey was also promoting their new album, which I have yet to listen to fully because the rip I found of it was of appallingly poor quality, but it seems pretty ok, and they knew that we weren't there so that they could play all of their new stuff while disregarding more beloved songs. Thusly the set list was composed of songs from Withering To Death, Marrow of a Bone, and a handful from their new album and Vulgar, but that was totally ok. No one was expecting them to play shit from the 90's anyway. Kyo did about 3 minutes of whale mating calls combined with demon tongues at 2 points during the show, which was hilarious, then kind of annoying, then REALLY hilarious when the stupid overdramatic fuck passed out midway through the subsequent song. The band just played and I distinctly saw Karou and Die roll their eyes as they continued to play vocal-less. Still though, they put on the kind of show I was expecting and my neck was in agony for days afterward, which is always a good sign. Moving rapidly onward:
3OH!3 feat. Cobraconda, Chain Gang of 1974, and Innerpartysystem
November 18th @ Blender Theater at Grammercy
This was, categorically, the best show I have been to all year. For anyone who might not know, all of these bands are from Colorado and to date 3OH!3 is the only thing capable of instilling the slightest sense of state pride in me (because my stony black heart will only be moved by electro/crunk combinations apparently) because they are the epitome of what every band's attitude should be: fun and interesting (be it because it is danceable or because it's deep. 3OH!3 is obviously the former and none of the latter). They're a couple of skinny white nerds from Boulder and they don't give a shit how ridiculous it is that they are proclaiming that they will "hit you from the back and make you holler till you pass out". Nowadays everyone is so fucking serious (obnoxiously so in the metal scene) that it seems more and more bands are forgetting that music is supposed to be fun, not a taxing and elitist chore (I am looking squarely at you every hipster indie band). ANyway, Cobraconda was amusing as an opener, even though their costumes (a farmer, a cow, and three bananas inexplicably) reeked of desperation for everyone to think that they don't care what we think. Chain Gang of 1974 was pretty awesome, although their music is a pain to come by at present as they're still relatively underground. Innerpartysystem had the best light display I've ever seen at any show. To try to describe it in mere words would be silly and it also would not sound particularly impressive. You had to be there (and be as sauced as I was. Tangent: venue bars prey on people who go to shows by themselves. You're standing around by yourself and you see your wristband and you think, "well why the fuck not?" and then 25 dollars and 2 incredibly strong Gin and Tonics and a Beer later you're so soused that you don't even care that you just dropped 25 dollars on 3 drinks, one of which was a fucking Budweiser). Anyway, 3OH!3 had almost no real set, and no special lighting, but their performance was driven by pure energy. The crowd was so into it that you would have to be a damned statue not to get swept away. Opening with Punk Bitch, they segued through one of the best constructed setlists of all time. At no point did the energy die (Even on the slower Colorado Sunrise) and closing with Don't Trust Me while every member of the opening bands charged onstage to jump around like jackasses (in a good way though, we were all doing that) was fucking inspired. Anyway, I'm getting nasty looks from my supervisor, so peace out etc.
Dir En Grey w/ The Human Abstract
November 14th @ Terminal 5
Having seen Dir En Grey twice now and The Human Abstract once, I figured I knew precisely what to expect from this show: 3 or so hours of pure fucking awesome. Sadly, however, this was not the case. See, The Human Abstract recently (well, like 3 months ago anyway) released a new album and hence were promoting it on this tour. All well and good if they had managed to release an album that was actually worth listening to. Instead they tried to sound like the love child of Avenged Sevenfold and Opeth, but somehow missed every element that makes (in A7X's case, made) those bands any good and instead came out with a mishmash of boring and generic metalcore bullshit that had maybe one interesting riff per song. Now the problem with promoting your stupid shitty pseudo-prog album is that you have to play a bunch of songs from it. Thusly, we were treated to about 40 minutes of off key wailing while they meandered through emo keyboard driven sobfests followed occasionally by a song from the album where they were, you know, fun to listen to.
Dir En Grey was also promoting their new album, which I have yet to listen to fully because the rip I found of it was of appallingly poor quality, but it seems pretty ok, and they knew that we weren't there so that they could play all of their new stuff while disregarding more beloved songs. Thusly the set list was composed of songs from Withering To Death, Marrow of a Bone, and a handful from their new album and Vulgar, but that was totally ok. No one was expecting them to play shit from the 90's anyway. Kyo did about 3 minutes of whale mating calls combined with demon tongues at 2 points during the show, which was hilarious, then kind of annoying, then REALLY hilarious when the stupid overdramatic fuck passed out midway through the subsequent song. The band just played and I distinctly saw Karou and Die roll their eyes as they continued to play vocal-less. Still though, they put on the kind of show I was expecting and my neck was in agony for days afterward, which is always a good sign. Moving rapidly onward:
3OH!3 feat. Cobraconda, Chain Gang of 1974, and Innerpartysystem
November 18th @ Blender Theater at Grammercy
This was, categorically, the best show I have been to all year. For anyone who might not know, all of these bands are from Colorado and to date 3OH!3 is the only thing capable of instilling the slightest sense of state pride in me (because my stony black heart will only be moved by electro/crunk combinations apparently) because they are the epitome of what every band's attitude should be: fun and interesting (be it because it is danceable or because it's deep. 3OH!3 is obviously the former and none of the latter). They're a couple of skinny white nerds from Boulder and they don't give a shit how ridiculous it is that they are proclaiming that they will "hit you from the back and make you holler till you pass out". Nowadays everyone is so fucking serious (obnoxiously so in the metal scene) that it seems more and more bands are forgetting that music is supposed to be fun, not a taxing and elitist chore (I am looking squarely at you every hipster indie band). ANyway, Cobraconda was amusing as an opener, even though their costumes (a farmer, a cow, and three bananas inexplicably) reeked of desperation for everyone to think that they don't care what we think. Chain Gang of 1974 was pretty awesome, although their music is a pain to come by at present as they're still relatively underground. Innerpartysystem had the best light display I've ever seen at any show. To try to describe it in mere words would be silly and it also would not sound particularly impressive. You had to be there (and be as sauced as I was. Tangent: venue bars prey on people who go to shows by themselves. You're standing around by yourself and you see your wristband and you think, "well why the fuck not?" and then 25 dollars and 2 incredibly strong Gin and Tonics and a Beer later you're so soused that you don't even care that you just dropped 25 dollars on 3 drinks, one of which was a fucking Budweiser). Anyway, 3OH!3 had almost no real set, and no special lighting, but their performance was driven by pure energy. The crowd was so into it that you would have to be a damned statue not to get swept away. Opening with Punk Bitch, they segued through one of the best constructed setlists of all time. At no point did the energy die (Even on the slower Colorado Sunrise) and closing with Don't Trust Me while every member of the opening bands charged onstage to jump around like jackasses (in a good way though, we were all doing that) was fucking inspired. Anyway, I'm getting nasty looks from my supervisor, so peace out etc.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
What's this? It Smells Like... Positivity!
Anyone who knows me in real life knows that while I'm certainly prone to being an ornery motherfucker, it's certainly not the only facet of my being. I am capable on occasion of being amused, pleased, perhaps even elated should something strike me in such a manner. So today there'll be something different on the menu. Instead of compiling yet another list of things that annoy me (midterms, studying, midterms, reading, midterms), here now, are things that I'm pleased with most recently.
-Fallout 3 - I just got this last night at midnight, and considering I had an early-ish class today and scant breaks, have still logged over 5 or so hours of play in every odd moment I've had enough time for the xbox to boot up. Now, I wasn't gaming back when fallouts 1 and 2 were big, and while I've been slowly working on fallout 2 here and there, I feel like some things you just miss out on if you don't get to enjoy it in its original context (I didn't even have a computer that ran windows until about 1998. Running reader rabbit would have strained the machines I grew up with). Anyway, I'm in no way qualified to comment on how this game stands out in the series, but it's good enough that my impending midterm on Thursday has me legitimately pissed that either the test or the game couldn't have come a week later. If something gets its claws into me that quickly, I think it deserves a mention.
-Shogun by Trivium - The last album from these guys sowed the first seeds of doubt in my mind about the future of heavy music. They went from being easily one of my top 5 favorite bands in late high school to simply falling back into the rank and file of faceless metalcore acts. Suffice to say, I didn't care much when they released a new album, but because I am a torrent-whore, I downloaded it anyway. Now, ascendancy, this certainly ain't, but here is what has re-sold me on the band: They admitted that The Crusade was a piece of shit. They might not have used those words, but they talked about how they created a record that couldn't resonate with the fans, and when you factor out the PR spin, then yeah, they just admitted their last record was shit. And yet Metallica still defends creating that abortion that was St. Anger.
-Play n' Trade - For all of you NYC gamers out there, this place is a gem. It is a diamond in a sea of gamestop turds. This is motherfucking Mecca. The store is located on 13th street between 3rd and 4th avenue, and after checking out their various services, I see no reason to ever patronize a Gamestop again. First off, their buyback prices can't be beat. I traded in Too Human, Final Fantasy III, and Sonic Rush Adventure and got two new copies of No More Heroes and Contra IV (somewhere around 50$ worth of stuff) and only went 75 cents over on my trade-in credit. Had I gone to gamestop, I probably wouldn't have even been able to get Contra. Secondly, they are friendly as hell. I went there at midnight to pick up my pre-order for Fallout yesterday (today?) and started talking to one of their employees about old school PS2's (the fat ones), Penny Arcade, and upcoming releases we were excited about. When midnight rolled around and he was allowed to sell me my game, he threw in a free skin for my PS2 because I was the first one to show up that night and offered to let me upgrade to the collector's edition of Fallout even though I had preordered the standard. Had I gone to gamestop, they simply would have asked if I would like to preorder anything else before forgetting I was there so they could rob someone else. I mean, I could extoll the virtues of this place ad nauseam, and I encourage anyone looking to make console related purchases (they don't sell PC stuff unfortunately) to check them out, because they deserve the business more than gestappostop (to steal a line from dueling analogs) ever will.
Wow, I think I'm gonna die from all of these sunbeams and puppy dog smiles coming out of my ass.
-Fallout 3 - I just got this last night at midnight, and considering I had an early-ish class today and scant breaks, have still logged over 5 or so hours of play in every odd moment I've had enough time for the xbox to boot up. Now, I wasn't gaming back when fallouts 1 and 2 were big, and while I've been slowly working on fallout 2 here and there, I feel like some things you just miss out on if you don't get to enjoy it in its original context (I didn't even have a computer that ran windows until about 1998. Running reader rabbit would have strained the machines I grew up with). Anyway, I'm in no way qualified to comment on how this game stands out in the series, but it's good enough that my impending midterm on Thursday has me legitimately pissed that either the test or the game couldn't have come a week later. If something gets its claws into me that quickly, I think it deserves a mention.
-Shogun by Trivium - The last album from these guys sowed the first seeds of doubt in my mind about the future of heavy music. They went from being easily one of my top 5 favorite bands in late high school to simply falling back into the rank and file of faceless metalcore acts. Suffice to say, I didn't care much when they released a new album, but because I am a torrent-whore, I downloaded it anyway. Now, ascendancy, this certainly ain't, but here is what has re-sold me on the band: They admitted that The Crusade was a piece of shit. They might not have used those words, but they talked about how they created a record that couldn't resonate with the fans, and when you factor out the PR spin, then yeah, they just admitted their last record was shit. And yet Metallica still defends creating that abortion that was St. Anger.
-Play n' Trade - For all of you NYC gamers out there, this place is a gem. It is a diamond in a sea of gamestop turds. This is motherfucking Mecca. The store is located on 13th street between 3rd and 4th avenue, and after checking out their various services, I see no reason to ever patronize a Gamestop again. First off, their buyback prices can't be beat. I traded in Too Human, Final Fantasy III, and Sonic Rush Adventure and got two new copies of No More Heroes and Contra IV (somewhere around 50$ worth of stuff) and only went 75 cents over on my trade-in credit. Had I gone to gamestop, I probably wouldn't have even been able to get Contra. Secondly, they are friendly as hell. I went there at midnight to pick up my pre-order for Fallout yesterday (today?) and started talking to one of their employees about old school PS2's (the fat ones), Penny Arcade, and upcoming releases we were excited about. When midnight rolled around and he was allowed to sell me my game, he threw in a free skin for my PS2 because I was the first one to show up that night and offered to let me upgrade to the collector's edition of Fallout even though I had preordered the standard. Had I gone to gamestop, they simply would have asked if I would like to preorder anything else before forgetting I was there so they could rob someone else. I mean, I could extoll the virtues of this place ad nauseam, and I encourage anyone looking to make console related purchases (they don't sell PC stuff unfortunately) to check them out, because they deserve the business more than gestappostop (to steal a line from dueling analogs) ever will.
Wow, I think I'm gonna die from all of these sunbeams and puppy dog smiles coming out of my ass.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Fuck You, Mr. Malakian
Yeah. See that guy up here? Fuck that guy. Fuck him in his stupid whiny ass. Those of you who might recognize this individual or the name "[Daron] Malakian" might be wondering: "why, Michael, why have you turned your back on the guitarist for the one and only mighty System of a Down?" Don't worry, my reasoning is good.
See, Daron here is heading up his own side project (Scars on Broadway) while SOAD is on hiatus and over the last couple of months, I have been listening to them pretty regularly. It's no System to be sure, but I liked it more than Serj's solo album and it had enough good tracks to earn a pretty prestigious spot in my itunes play counts. I enjoyed this album enough, in fact, that a little less than a month ago I bought tickets to one of their upcoming shows set for the end of October. I'm not a big fan of going to shows alone, however, and finding people willing to drop $25 on the ticket was tougher than I thought. Late last night/early this morning, depending on how you want to look at it, I decided to see if tickets were still on sale so that I could know if I should still bother pestering people to go with me. Imagine my surprise when the Irving Plaza website had the show listed as "cancelled". Suffice to say, I immediately went over to their myspace to see what the fuck happened to the show I had been anticipating for almost a goddamn month. Turns out, this had happened a few weeks ago, although the tour was slated to start a week after Daron decided to cancel, so I still feel vindicated in my outrage, as that is a pretty cocktastic move to pull. But what, pray tell, was the reason? After all, for such a sudden move, this cocksucker had better have a good one. Here's the most informative line of Daron's "explanation":
"now is a time when aspects of my life need to be tended to"
WHOA, there! Don't go unloading your life story on me pal! I could post the rest of it, but I feel that there is nothing else there that offers any clarification, just more pitiful attempts at Daron rationalizing cancelling an entire tour a week before it was slated to start. The official statement from the band's publicist simply stated that "Malakian concluded that his heart wasn't into touring at the time" They then go on to say that there is no plan to reschedule.
Excuse me? Are you fucking kidding me? You write and perform music for a living you whiny fuck. The pisser is that he may have a legitimate reason, but for some reason feels he doesn't owe his fans any clarification beyond "I don't wanna do it now". Some valiant myspacers have been quick to point out that "blah blah blah he's entitled to a personal life blah blah blah maybe if I defend this outright dickishness vehemently enough Daron will notice me and like me blah blah puke". Allow me to point something out:
Daron Malakian is a celebrity. He might not be on the same tier as that Hilton twat or Brittany Spears, but the bottom line is that he puts himself out in the public eye for a living and essentially puts himself and his music on display. When you become a celebrity, the very definition of the word means that no, you don't get to have much of a private life. And you can be damn shure that when you cancel a tour a week before the scheduled start and offer NO explanation other than half-assed excuses and poorly worded vagaries, people will remember you as the guy that cancelled a tour for apparently no fucking reason, not what as a poor suffering artist.
I'm not asking for all of the gruesome details, but come the fuck on. You can be vague but still give people enough of a clue as to why you pulled the rug out from under them all of a sudden. You have testicular cancer? "I've been advised that it would be medically unsound for me to do this tour after learning some new information". Some kind of death? Fine, don't even say who. Even if you just said "some kind of death" it would be infinitely better than the shit us fans were fed. Drug Problem? well you could... ah who am I kidding? Have you heard System of a Down? They've probably run out of drugs to do and had to start resorting to BZ just to feel anything. But you see what I'm getting at? You don't need to post pictures of your tumor, but let us know you're under the weather.
Or just cancel the tour with no explanation. Like a bitch.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
On Idiots
I, uh, I have no really reasonable introduction so to speak, so I'm just going to dive right in here. As everyone is painfully, painfully aware, we have this election thingy coming up in just a few weeks. It's kind of, you know, a big deal and stuff. Anyhow, this particular election has provided a great window into a government gone wrong, a media just now beginning to regrow their testicles, and of course, Sara Palin in a bikini. Most importantly though, it's given me a few more reasons to hate a whole lot more people with such vitriol that I think I might actually explode. Allow me to Enumerate:
People who shrug off any information or issues with "I don't care about politics"
OK, where to begin with these fuckers? First of all, there's always the smarmy fucking way they say it, like they're too good to keep up to date. Because, you know, staying informed on the workings of your government is totally lame. Who cares if they're deliberating how best to just GIVE the very banks that are responsible for this clusterfuck we're in 700 BILLION fucking dollars of our money with no oversight or strings attached? Gossip Girl is on tonight and you just have to see what witty puns Kristen Bell will come up with this week. I don't even care about the social aspects here, as we can all agree that the government fucking with those is retarded. I am talking about opportunities to learn about the people who might be mandating what we do for the next 4-8 years. Here's a fucking clue: if you "don't care about politics" because you're disenchanted with the system, you are (and I will Italicize for emphasis) part of the fucking problem, not a part of the fucking solution. You are directly responsible for how out of control our Government has gotten because rather than keep up with what's going on so you can raise your voice before the problems arise, you sit there grinning with smug self satisfaction that you're not participating until you're living in a cardboard box giving rim jobs for pocket change wondering where all of your fucking money went. Here's a news flash assholes: you still live in this country (at least until we're bought out by China completely), so even if you "don't care" you are above or immune to absolutely fuck all. And when you're cleaning the shit from between your teeth after your 3rd rusty trombone of the evening, I will lean over to you from MY cardboard box and steal your floss.
People who think they are revolutionaries exacting change by not voting
(no Joel, this is not in reference to you. Your post earlier today was an example of a non voter with a good argument, plus I actually started writing this last week)
I can't decide if I hate these people more or less than the above. I'm not talking about people who simply don't vote (I have no real right to talk as I wasn't registered until right before I turned 21), but the ones who deliberately say they aren't voting because of the corrupt system or politicians all being the same or some other 19-year-old-who-just-discovered-Nietzsche stupid bullshit argument and think they are way smarter than you for figuring this out. They will proudly sit on their throne lording over you that "like, nothing will ever change, man". Well here's a fucking clue: it sure as shit won't change if you don't fucking do something about it. In case you haven't noticed, plenty of people (around half of the adult populace) don't vote and yet has it made a difference? It sure as fuck doesn't make any more of a difference than if you do. My point is, you certainly have your right to vote or not vote as you see fit, but if you expect anyone to give a shit that you're not voting because you're so fucking informed that you "see right through all the lies" or whatever, then don't be surprised when nothing changes, because I guarantee no one in Washington cares about your fucking vote. You are a statistical zero as an individual and they know where you won't vote, somebody else will. They say that people who don't vote don't have a right to complain, and I don't wholly agree on that point: People who think their not voting changes a single fucking thing don't get a right to complain because all they are doing is finding an excuse for their apathy.
If anyone wants the cliffs notes to this, read the headings in bold, and this gem from Harlan Ellison. It sums up my feelings on the matter quite well:
HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT. FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.
People who shrug off any information or issues with "I don't care about politics"
OK, where to begin with these fuckers? First of all, there's always the smarmy fucking way they say it, like they're too good to keep up to date. Because, you know, staying informed on the workings of your government is totally lame. Who cares if they're deliberating how best to just GIVE the very banks that are responsible for this clusterfuck we're in 700 BILLION fucking dollars of our money with no oversight or strings attached? Gossip Girl is on tonight and you just have to see what witty puns Kristen Bell will come up with this week. I don't even care about the social aspects here, as we can all agree that the government fucking with those is retarded. I am talking about opportunities to learn about the people who might be mandating what we do for the next 4-8 years. Here's a fucking clue: if you "don't care about politics" because you're disenchanted with the system, you are (and I will Italicize for emphasis) part of the fucking problem, not a part of the fucking solution. You are directly responsible for how out of control our Government has gotten because rather than keep up with what's going on so you can raise your voice before the problems arise, you sit there grinning with smug self satisfaction that you're not participating until you're living in a cardboard box giving rim jobs for pocket change wondering where all of your fucking money went. Here's a news flash assholes: you still live in this country (at least until we're bought out by China completely), so even if you "don't care" you are above or immune to absolutely fuck all. And when you're cleaning the shit from between your teeth after your 3rd rusty trombone of the evening, I will lean over to you from MY cardboard box and steal your floss.
People who think they are revolutionaries exacting change by not voting
(no Joel, this is not in reference to you. Your post earlier today was an example of a non voter with a good argument, plus I actually started writing this last week)
I can't decide if I hate these people more or less than the above. I'm not talking about people who simply don't vote (I have no real right to talk as I wasn't registered until right before I turned 21), but the ones who deliberately say they aren't voting because of the corrupt system or politicians all being the same or some other 19-year-old-who-just-discovered-Nietzsche stupid bullshit argument and think they are way smarter than you for figuring this out. They will proudly sit on their throne lording over you that "like, nothing will ever change, man". Well here's a fucking clue: it sure as shit won't change if you don't fucking do something about it. In case you haven't noticed, plenty of people (around half of the adult populace) don't vote and yet has it made a difference? It sure as fuck doesn't make any more of a difference than if you do. My point is, you certainly have your right to vote or not vote as you see fit, but if you expect anyone to give a shit that you're not voting because you're so fucking informed that you "see right through all the lies" or whatever, then don't be surprised when nothing changes, because I guarantee no one in Washington cares about your fucking vote. You are a statistical zero as an individual and they know where you won't vote, somebody else will. They say that people who don't vote don't have a right to complain, and I don't wholly agree on that point: People who think their not voting changes a single fucking thing don't get a right to complain because all they are doing is finding an excuse for their apathy.
If anyone wants the cliffs notes to this, read the headings in bold, and this gem from Harlan Ellison. It sums up my feelings on the matter quite well:
HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT. FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Descriptive Titles are for Suckers
I've reached a point where my posts tend to be so stream of consciousness based that it's almost pointless for me to put up a title. I guess one point to get out of the way for clarification: Allison and I recently broke up. I'm not thrilled about it, and It's weird adjusting to it, but in terms of breakups it's hard to imagine one more mutual. Gifts of booze in which to drown my sorrows can be brought to Broome 405. Just saying.
But moving away from the morose (lest this look like a friends only post on some 13 year old's myspace) we will now turn our thoughts to lighter fare, namely: music and stuff! There are a few things I've been wanting to talk about on here for a while, but felt that i really needed to give the albums their due listenings before I just shat out an opinion like so much...poop.
First up has been, while not quite a "Chinese Democracy" style wait, a long time in the making and that is Metallica's Death Magnetic. I know I'm not alone in saying that their last release (St. Anger) was probably the shittiest shit to ever be shat and the releases preceding it were terrible with maybe one good song apiece. So imagine my surprise when I start playing this album (that I of course legitimately purchased if Lars Ulrich happens to be reading this) and I mistakenly think I've started up And Justice For All. Apparently when Metallica went into the studio, Rick Rubin told them to write what they felt to be an "unreleased sequel to Master of Puppets" and in a sense that's precisely what the album feels like. Sure, there are a few forgettable tracks and they try (to little avail) to release a third track in "The Unforgiven" series (cleverly titled "The Unforgiven III" because when in doubt, just make the number higher), but when they are on holy FUCK are they on. James' voice hasn't aged particularly well and it's the only real complaint I have, but I also feel that I can't complain too much since your ability to sing will naturally be harder to maintain. This isn't the case with other instruments unless you suffer from debilitating arthritis or say, get crushed twice by a van. I hear that kind of kills your ability to perform well. Anyway, the album is definitely a return featuring chuggy but machine-like rhythms and awesome soloing. The lyrics are trash, but they always are. No one cares about the lyrics. The drums are...well, they're drums. At this point I'm just happy when Lars Ulrich shuts up and plays something that SOUNDS like drums. Master of Puppets it ain't, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. Lars Ulrich is still a total douche though. 7/10
Next on the docket is one of my most highly anticipated releases and that is from the almighty Slipknot. Everybody who was in to metal in the early 2000's definitely had a thing for Slipknot, and I am proud(?) to say that I probably put those motherfuckers to shame in what could only be described as adolescent idol worship. This album has been almost 5 years in the making and since then I've had plenty of time to stop giving a shit what the guys have been up to, and I'm only moderately sorry I did. Every track on this album picks from one of two settings: "awesome" and "stone sour b-side". I don't know if Corey Taylor is aware, but maybe someday he'll chance to read this post and he will hear me say this: The ONLY reason anyone listens to Stone Sour is that they're just biding time until you start doing Slipknot stuff again. I guarantee that if you started Stone Sour and never had anything to do with Slipknot, the act would be written off with the millions of other nu-metal casualties and abortions from 1998 or so till about 2003. People don't want to hear Stone Sour, it's simply a methadone for the heroin that is Slipknot kind of like A Perfect Circle is to Tool. My point is that if I wanted to hear Stone Sour, I want to hear it independently of the band I actually give a shit about. STOP SINGING LIKE THE TWO BANDS ARE INTERCHANGEABLE. I don't mind melody from Slipknot at all, but it has to sound like Slipknot, and they have a very distinct style. Enough bitching though. When the band is off, as illustrated above, they are OFF. When they are on, however, they have taken the Slipknot sound to a whole new level. Once again, the most notable improvement is Mick and James' guitar work, which really serves to showcase their ability. When not channeling Stone Sour, Corey sounds as raw and visceral as he did on Iowa and the songs are heavy enough to warrant a good solo-head bang while walking in public for no other reason than that you can't help it. 7/10
But moving away from the morose (lest this look like a friends only post on some 13 year old's myspace) we will now turn our thoughts to lighter fare, namely: music and stuff! There are a few things I've been wanting to talk about on here for a while, but felt that i really needed to give the albums their due listenings before I just shat out an opinion like so much...poop.
First up has been, while not quite a "Chinese Democracy" style wait, a long time in the making and that is Metallica's Death Magnetic. I know I'm not alone in saying that their last release (St. Anger) was probably the shittiest shit to ever be shat and the releases preceding it were terrible with maybe one good song apiece. So imagine my surprise when I start playing this album (that I of course legitimately purchased if Lars Ulrich happens to be reading this) and I mistakenly think I've started up And Justice For All. Apparently when Metallica went into the studio, Rick Rubin told them to write what they felt to be an "unreleased sequel to Master of Puppets" and in a sense that's precisely what the album feels like. Sure, there are a few forgettable tracks and they try (to little avail) to release a third track in "The Unforgiven" series (cleverly titled "The Unforgiven III" because when in doubt, just make the number higher), but when they are on holy FUCK are they on. James' voice hasn't aged particularly well and it's the only real complaint I have, but I also feel that I can't complain too much since your ability to sing will naturally be harder to maintain. This isn't the case with other instruments unless you suffer from debilitating arthritis or say, get crushed twice by a van. I hear that kind of kills your ability to perform well. Anyway, the album is definitely a return featuring chuggy but machine-like rhythms and awesome soloing. The lyrics are trash, but they always are. No one cares about the lyrics. The drums are...well, they're drums. At this point I'm just happy when Lars Ulrich shuts up and plays something that SOUNDS like drums. Master of Puppets it ain't, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. Lars Ulrich is still a total douche though. 7/10
Next on the docket is one of my most highly anticipated releases and that is from the almighty Slipknot. Everybody who was in to metal in the early 2000's definitely had a thing for Slipknot, and I am proud(?) to say that I probably put those motherfuckers to shame in what could only be described as adolescent idol worship. This album has been almost 5 years in the making and since then I've had plenty of time to stop giving a shit what the guys have been up to, and I'm only moderately sorry I did. Every track on this album picks from one of two settings: "awesome" and "stone sour b-side". I don't know if Corey Taylor is aware, but maybe someday he'll chance to read this post and he will hear me say this: The ONLY reason anyone listens to Stone Sour is that they're just biding time until you start doing Slipknot stuff again. I guarantee that if you started Stone Sour and never had anything to do with Slipknot, the act would be written off with the millions of other nu-metal casualties and abortions from 1998 or so till about 2003. People don't want to hear Stone Sour, it's simply a methadone for the heroin that is Slipknot kind of like A Perfect Circle is to Tool. My point is that if I wanted to hear Stone Sour, I want to hear it independently of the band I actually give a shit about. STOP SINGING LIKE THE TWO BANDS ARE INTERCHANGEABLE. I don't mind melody from Slipknot at all, but it has to sound like Slipknot, and they have a very distinct style. Enough bitching though. When the band is off, as illustrated above, they are OFF. When they are on, however, they have taken the Slipknot sound to a whole new level. Once again, the most notable improvement is Mick and James' guitar work, which really serves to showcase their ability. When not channeling Stone Sour, Corey sounds as raw and visceral as he did on Iowa and the songs are heavy enough to warrant a good solo-head bang while walking in public for no other reason than that you can't help it. 7/10
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I am a big fat liar
Why am I a big fat liar, you ask? Well, remember how that last UNGODLY long post made mention that it would be a two parter? Well I was writing it at work and had every intention of putting up part two when I got home, but when I sat down at my computer, I forgot what else I was going to write about. Anyway, let's pretend I apologized for not updating for yet another month like anybody actually reads this fucking thing, and move rapidly onward.
Allison came out to visit towards the end of June. Ordinarily, I'd do the whole "my thoughts on Allison's visit" thing, but honestly, she was here for 2 weeks and we managed to do a lot of stuff. The point is, if you give a shit about what we did, ask me and I'll be happy to fill you in. Anyway, she's gone back to Baltimore now, leaving me a sad and lonely Michael until the end of August when i finally get to go back to New York. Just roughly 40 days or so...
Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about a few things that have caught my interest of late, so here we go. First up is the new Guitar Hero for DS. It's called Guitar Hero: On Tour, but I refuse to call it that largely because that title is a lie. Were one to take this game on tour and play it in places where a DS is the handiest (long car rides, plane flights, etc.) the people stuck next to you would put up with the incessant clicking and tapping for probably 5 minutes if you're lucky before they ram your snazzy guitar pick/stylus through your eyeball. Point is, it is impossible to play this game unobtrusively. You will convulse in rhythm with the song as you take sweeping hacks at the touch screen (which seems to just decide to stop registering that you're strumming at random, particularly on "Breed" by Nirvana) and the buttons make that obnoxious click that the guitar hero controllers are known for. Still, if you overlook the fact that there is literally no reason to have this game released for a handheld system, it's pretty fun. The songs are pretty good for the most part and the controller attachment (which plugs into the GBA slot on the bottom) is fairly intuitive. Strumming takes a few songs to really master, but (at least when it feels like working) becomes pretty ok. I'm just kind of annoyed that, as I said, there was no reason for this game to come out on DS. Just release another expansion like they did with "Rocks the 80's". It'll be less hard on our wrists (and I assure you, should you procure this game, that if you do not abide by the "take a break every 15 minutes" warning they give, you will develop arthritis before you beat it on easy). The kicker is that I would not be surprised at all if this shit wound up getting ported to something else anyway. I don't know, it's probably too early to tell.
I do have one huge gaping fucking qualm with the game though. Items in the store are locked. Not just special "you have to beat the game on hard or whatever" kinds of items either. Literally every item in the store is locked and has some arbitrary requirement to unlock it. Ordinarily I don't really mind unlockable content, but this is special because half of the things are unlocked by playing on easy and medium. Now I'm all for easing people into the difficulty curve of a game, but this is guitar hero. It's been out for a while and a lot of us may already be pretty fucking good at it. So I will say this in all capitals for emphasis: STOP MAKING ME FUCKING PLAY THE FUCKING GAME ON EASY AND MEDIUM. I HAVEN'T PLAYED THE FUCKING GAME ON EASY OR MEDIUM SINCE I GOT THE FIRST FUCKING GUITAR HERO GAME ALMOST 2 FUCKING YEARS AGO. GOING BACK TO PLAY EVERY SONG I'VE ALREADY PROVEN I CAN BEAT ON EXPERT ON EASY IS FUCKING INSULTING AND IT TURNS THE GAME INTO A CHORE. Ok, capslock off. So yeah, that's my major gripe...
This allows me to segue rather nicely to this announcement for Rock Band deuce. I'll give you a minute to read it. Done? Alrighty then. Does this game not look like the second coming? I swear it's almost enough to make the 200$ price tag seem worth it. Scratch that, I'd probably pay 3 and still feel like I was getting a hell of a bargain. Seriously, it sounds like with the attachment of just a few peripherals, this game could also become a combination blender/cuisinart.
Alright, that's all I've got for the time being. Keep it real, stay fresh, sick, and/or tight.
Allison came out to visit towards the end of June. Ordinarily, I'd do the whole "my thoughts on Allison's visit" thing, but honestly, she was here for 2 weeks and we managed to do a lot of stuff. The point is, if you give a shit about what we did, ask me and I'll be happy to fill you in. Anyway, she's gone back to Baltimore now, leaving me a sad and lonely Michael until the end of August when i finally get to go back to New York. Just roughly 40 days or so...
Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about a few things that have caught my interest of late, so here we go. First up is the new Guitar Hero for DS. It's called Guitar Hero: On Tour, but I refuse to call it that largely because that title is a lie. Were one to take this game on tour and play it in places where a DS is the handiest (long car rides, plane flights, etc.) the people stuck next to you would put up with the incessant clicking and tapping for probably 5 minutes if you're lucky before they ram your snazzy guitar pick/stylus through your eyeball. Point is, it is impossible to play this game unobtrusively. You will convulse in rhythm with the song as you take sweeping hacks at the touch screen (which seems to just decide to stop registering that you're strumming at random, particularly on "Breed" by Nirvana) and the buttons make that obnoxious click that the guitar hero controllers are known for. Still, if you overlook the fact that there is literally no reason to have this game released for a handheld system, it's pretty fun. The songs are pretty good for the most part and the controller attachment (which plugs into the GBA slot on the bottom) is fairly intuitive. Strumming takes a few songs to really master, but (at least when it feels like working) becomes pretty ok. I'm just kind of annoyed that, as I said, there was no reason for this game to come out on DS. Just release another expansion like they did with "Rocks the 80's". It'll be less hard on our wrists (and I assure you, should you procure this game, that if you do not abide by the "take a break every 15 minutes" warning they give, you will develop arthritis before you beat it on easy). The kicker is that I would not be surprised at all if this shit wound up getting ported to something else anyway. I don't know, it's probably too early to tell.
I do have one huge gaping fucking qualm with the game though. Items in the store are locked. Not just special "you have to beat the game on hard or whatever" kinds of items either. Literally every item in the store is locked and has some arbitrary requirement to unlock it. Ordinarily I don't really mind unlockable content, but this is special because half of the things are unlocked by playing on easy and medium. Now I'm all for easing people into the difficulty curve of a game, but this is guitar hero. It's been out for a while and a lot of us may already be pretty fucking good at it. So I will say this in all capitals for emphasis: STOP MAKING ME FUCKING PLAY THE FUCKING GAME ON EASY AND MEDIUM. I HAVEN'T PLAYED THE FUCKING GAME ON EASY OR MEDIUM SINCE I GOT THE FIRST FUCKING GUITAR HERO GAME ALMOST 2 FUCKING YEARS AGO. GOING BACK TO PLAY EVERY SONG I'VE ALREADY PROVEN I CAN BEAT ON EXPERT ON EASY IS FUCKING INSULTING AND IT TURNS THE GAME INTO A CHORE. Ok, capslock off. So yeah, that's my major gripe...
This allows me to segue rather nicely to this announcement for Rock Band deuce. I'll give you a minute to read it. Done? Alrighty then. Does this game not look like the second coming? I swear it's almost enough to make the 200$ price tag seem worth it. Scratch that, I'd probably pay 3 and still feel like I was getting a hell of a bargain. Seriously, it sounds like with the attachment of just a few peripherals, this game could also become a combination blender/cuisinart.
Alright, that's all I've got for the time being. Keep it real, stay fresh, sick, and/or tight.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I nitpick otherwise enjoyable activities!
So it's been a while since I wrote anything. I'd apologize, but I don't give a shit. First, an administrative announcement:
Just Stunned hasn't updated in about a month. I know this. However, I started hitting wall after wall with the last week or so of strips that I did, and I was dissatisfied with the results, so I'm putting the comic on hiatus until I'm back in a comic-ing place. I'm not going to let it fizzle, but I do feel that I owe it to people to put out funny strips, and not just comics for comics' sake.
Now on to why I'm actually writing this: Of late, I've been playing quite a few video games, what with acquiring a shiny new DS, getting my xbox back from Microsoft, and having access to my own Wii again. That having been said, I've been noticing my gripes with some of my recent acquisitions have been building up almost as quickly as the things I love about them. First up:
Any game in the Mario Series: This gripe is spawned from mario games where you play as mario doing mario things, not to be confused with all out battles to the death, go-kart racing, and inexplicable, pointless, and repetitive party games. First of all, why does anyone use "lives" anymore? Lives were something that were created when games didn't have save features and were more or less beatable in one sitting if you were really good. The problem is, nowadays lives are just a way to punish you for getting stuck. Both "New Super Mario bros." and "Super Mario Galaxy" are guilty of this. You die, you go back to the last checkpoint you reached. You can do this ad nauseum should you still have lives. Once you run out you... uh... go back to the beginning of the level you got stuck on, meaning you have to go through all the shit you've proven you're capable of doing, only to get stuck on the same part. Until you run out of lives. Also, New Super Mario bros. has 2 entire worlds that you have to meet stupid and contrived requirements to get to. Not just levels, mind you, but full on worlds. World 4 as well as world 7 (out of 8) are not accessible should you play through the game the way any normal mario player would (left to right, jump on or throw fire at whatever gets in your way). Instead you go from world 3 to 5, then from 6 to 8 unless you meet some stupid requirements and find hidden pathways to worlds that for all intents and purposes, should just be accessible in the fucking game, given that numerically, they are BEFORE THE LAST FUCKING FIGHT. I looked up how to get to these levels on gamefaqs, and the methods typically involve using very hard to find items (like the magic shrinking mushroom which makes you even smaller and a one hit kill) in the final stages of worlds 2 and 5. My point is no rational person would think to do this because it deliberately makes what you're doing harder and less fun. So Nintendo, if you stop using lives and withholding features I fucking paid for in my games, then maybe I'll lighten up on you for once again releasing a system that ONLY YOU GUYS can make good games for.
Grand Theft Auto IV: From the number of perfect 10's and 9 point whatevers that this game got, you'd think that it signified the second coming of Christ. Fortunately, since Rockstar is not paying me obscene sums of money to plaster my blog with advertisements for their game, I have no qualms pointing out a few design tweaks that could have made what is a very good game (maybe an 8 in my opinion) into that 10 that IGN was so fucking eager to plaster across it. First things first: When I play a video game, I play it to retreat to a fantasy world where I can do things that I cannot do in real life (beating random pedestrians to death for no reason, waiting for the paramedics to show up, grenading their ambulance, then changing my clothes so the cops won't recognize me anymore). Here are a few things that happen to you in GTA IV.
* You have a cell phone. Now this wouldn't be so bad if you could only use it to make outgoing calls. The problem is you receive calls too. This means that you might want to go out and just play through some missions or kill random pedestrians until the army sends a tank up your asshole, but instead you get every lame-brained dipshit you have ever met in the game calling you all the fucking time wanting to hang out and get food and go to bars and stuff. This would be great if any of the stuff said dipshits ask you to do was actually fun. Instead you get treated to:
*The cops are way too easily alerted to your presence. I touched on this with the drunk driving/toll bridge thing, but I feel it bears a double mention because it gets really fucking annoying after a while. I don't know if they beefed up the cops' programming or just added more, but it seems like even when I'm not doing illegal things, a stray button push or an accidental bumper tap has me running from the fucking law for the next 20 goddamn minutes. It doesn't help that they come after you in such force that you kind of need to kill a few just to make your escape, which gives you a higher wanted level, meaning you have to run for another 20 fucking minutes... you get the idea.
I guess my overall gripe with the game is that it is inconsistent in how realistic it wants to be. Car crashes can now fling you through the windshields, getting punched doesn't lower body armor levels, you can now move faster than a walk when you're holding something heavier than a handgun... These are all good things, and it's certainly not as bad as say, cops in Driv3r, which is read Driver 3 for the uninitiated, chasing you with vigor typically reserved for #1 on the FBI's 10 most wanted list for running a red light, but still. This game is cartoon caricature violence at its finest, and it gets wrecked by having cops jump up your ass for tapping their car after you swerve to (against your better instincts) avoid a hapless pedestrian. They got rid of the ridiculous "your character needs to eat and exercise" requirements from San Andreas, but there are still a few things. I realize that Nicco will make friends in the course of the game, but for fuck's sake, if I don't need to make him eat and go to the bathroom, why do I need to take these assholes to dinner on my dime, requiring me to steal a car which usually results in me running around for a long time trying to avoid the cops that saw me from half a mile away. The point is if I wanted to take freeloading assholes out to lunch, I'd call my real friends (just kidding, you know I love most of you). When I play my video games, I'm doing typically to AVOID going out and doing things.
I'm gonna turn this into a two-parter, because this is getting ungodly long. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for part two!
Just Stunned hasn't updated in about a month. I know this. However, I started hitting wall after wall with the last week or so of strips that I did, and I was dissatisfied with the results, so I'm putting the comic on hiatus until I'm back in a comic-ing place. I'm not going to let it fizzle, but I do feel that I owe it to people to put out funny strips, and not just comics for comics' sake.
Now on to why I'm actually writing this: Of late, I've been playing quite a few video games, what with acquiring a shiny new DS, getting my xbox back from Microsoft, and having access to my own Wii again. That having been said, I've been noticing my gripes with some of my recent acquisitions have been building up almost as quickly as the things I love about them. First up:
Any game in the Mario Series: This gripe is spawned from mario games where you play as mario doing mario things, not to be confused with all out battles to the death, go-kart racing, and inexplicable, pointless, and repetitive party games. First of all, why does anyone use "lives" anymore? Lives were something that were created when games didn't have save features and were more or less beatable in one sitting if you were really good. The problem is, nowadays lives are just a way to punish you for getting stuck. Both "New Super Mario bros." and "Super Mario Galaxy" are guilty of this. You die, you go back to the last checkpoint you reached. You can do this ad nauseum should you still have lives. Once you run out you... uh... go back to the beginning of the level you got stuck on, meaning you have to go through all the shit you've proven you're capable of doing, only to get stuck on the same part. Until you run out of lives. Also, New Super Mario bros. has 2 entire worlds that you have to meet stupid and contrived requirements to get to. Not just levels, mind you, but full on worlds. World 4 as well as world 7 (out of 8) are not accessible should you play through the game the way any normal mario player would (left to right, jump on or throw fire at whatever gets in your way). Instead you go from world 3 to 5, then from 6 to 8 unless you meet some stupid requirements and find hidden pathways to worlds that for all intents and purposes, should just be accessible in the fucking game, given that numerically, they are BEFORE THE LAST FUCKING FIGHT. I looked up how to get to these levels on gamefaqs, and the methods typically involve using very hard to find items (like the magic shrinking mushroom which makes you even smaller and a one hit kill) in the final stages of worlds 2 and 5. My point is no rational person would think to do this because it deliberately makes what you're doing harder and less fun. So Nintendo, if you stop using lives and withholding features I fucking paid for in my games, then maybe I'll lighten up on you for once again releasing a system that ONLY YOU GUYS can make good games for.
Grand Theft Auto IV: From the number of perfect 10's and 9 point whatevers that this game got, you'd think that it signified the second coming of Christ. Fortunately, since Rockstar is not paying me obscene sums of money to plaster my blog with advertisements for their game, I have no qualms pointing out a few design tweaks that could have made what is a very good game (maybe an 8 in my opinion) into that 10 that IGN was so fucking eager to plaster across it. First things first: When I play a video game, I play it to retreat to a fantasy world where I can do things that I cannot do in real life (beating random pedestrians to death for no reason, waiting for the paramedics to show up, grenading their ambulance, then changing my clothes so the cops won't recognize me anymore). Here are a few things that happen to you in GTA IV.
* You have a cell phone. Now this wouldn't be so bad if you could only use it to make outgoing calls. The problem is you receive calls too. This means that you might want to go out and just play through some missions or kill random pedestrians until the army sends a tank up your asshole, but instead you get every lame-brained dipshit you have ever met in the game calling you all the fucking time wanting to hang out and get food and go to bars and stuff. This would be great if any of the stuff said dipshits ask you to do was actually fun. Instead you get treated to:
- A lame darts minigame that is so childishly easy you have no problem scoring 301 points within 2 turns.
- A lame pool minigame where you can view the table either from directly behind the cueball, or in a bird's eye view of the whole table. Now when has anyone EVER looked at the table from that angle except on unnecessary recaps in billiards tournaments on ESPN 2? Consequently, the game turns into you just mindlessly beating on the cue ball until you start deliberately trying to sink the 8 ball early so the game will just fucking end, but instead you halfheartedly knock around the 8 ball for a while because sinking shots is based purely on luck
- Opportunities to go drinking which basically means an opportunity to drive drunk. Now here is what really bothers me. Provided I don't hit a cop car or kill a pedestrian in front of a cop, I can do whatever the fuck I feel like in a vehicle without currying police attention. However, once you're drunk (and believe me when I say driving well is impossible when you are) if you so much as drive near a cop, they start chasing you. Why shoot for realism on one end of the spectrum, but not on the other? It also bears mentioning that cops will chase you if you, and i will italicize this for emphasis, fail to pay a bridge toll.
- Strip clubs where you can't do anything but watch repetitive and boring lapdances by mediocre character models
- Food places where, and I am not making this up, the whole activity is driving to the food place, automatically losing $50 (even if you go to the McDonald's equivalent), then driving your douchebag friend who can't make their way to you even if they are in a completely separate burrow back to where they want to go.
*The cops are way too easily alerted to your presence. I touched on this with the drunk driving/toll bridge thing, but I feel it bears a double mention because it gets really fucking annoying after a while. I don't know if they beefed up the cops' programming or just added more, but it seems like even when I'm not doing illegal things, a stray button push or an accidental bumper tap has me running from the fucking law for the next 20 goddamn minutes. It doesn't help that they come after you in such force that you kind of need to kill a few just to make your escape, which gives you a higher wanted level, meaning you have to run for another 20 fucking minutes... you get the idea.
I guess my overall gripe with the game is that it is inconsistent in how realistic it wants to be. Car crashes can now fling you through the windshields, getting punched doesn't lower body armor levels, you can now move faster than a walk when you're holding something heavier than a handgun... These are all good things, and it's certainly not as bad as say, cops in Driv3r, which is read Driver 3 for the uninitiated, chasing you with vigor typically reserved for #1 on the FBI's 10 most wanted list for running a red light, but still. This game is cartoon caricature violence at its finest, and it gets wrecked by having cops jump up your ass for tapping their car after you swerve to (against your better instincts) avoid a hapless pedestrian. They got rid of the ridiculous "your character needs to eat and exercise" requirements from San Andreas, but there are still a few things. I realize that Nicco will make friends in the course of the game, but for fuck's sake, if I don't need to make him eat and go to the bathroom, why do I need to take these assholes to dinner on my dime, requiring me to steal a car which usually results in me running around for a long time trying to avoid the cops that saw me from half a mile away. The point is if I wanted to take freeloading assholes out to lunch, I'd call my real friends (just kidding, you know I love most of you). When I play my video games, I'm doing typically to AVOID going out and doing things.
I'm gonna turn this into a two-parter, because this is getting ungodly long. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for part two!
Friday, April 25, 2008
You Wouldn't Take No For An Answer You Fucking Bitch
Don't worry kids, I'm not insulting you (yet, although we'll see where this takes me), rather quoting one of the many songs that has been stuck in my head for the last week or so. Yes that's right, Mindless Self Indulgence has finally come out with a new album (well, almost, but it's available to listen to on their myspace so, yeah, it's pretty much out). Let me put it to you this way. I, erm, acquired their album on Sunday night so I could listen to it on my iPod. Until today, nothing but that album was played on it. I think the lowest playcount for any track on the album right now is 12. Suffice to say, I am thoroughly enjoying it.
Now, the actual reason I'm writing this is because of a news post I prepared for Just Stunned (one of the strips set to go up I believe at the beginning of May). It started getting lengthier than I feel the average news post should, so consequently I decided to expand on it here. See, If has been completed for a while now (I would have to surmise at least since February. The band may have put it up on their blog but I'm just too fucking lazy to check). This means that they've been spending the interim period getting their marketing machine powered up to full steam, and have kept true to their roots of bending their fans over and fucking them in the ass.
You see, this makes the second album in a row now where MSI has released no less than eleventy-billion different versions. OK, that was kind of a lie. In actuality there are 4: standard edition CD, limited edition CD, limited edition vinyl, and edited cd. Normally, edited wouldn't warrant a mention, except for the fact that they added one track to it. They also added a different track to the vinyl edition, and added a few live songs on a special dvd for the limited edition. This of course means that there are, in actuality, 17 tracks in total (plus some live songs, but I'm only counting new stuff), but if you want all of them, you have to buy the same goddamn album at least 3 times.
But wait, there's more! Did you know that there is a special deal on their site's store where if you buy all 4 editions you get a t-shirt and a special vinyl single with yet ANOTHER new song plus a demo for one of the other tracks on the album? That's right, for $60, you can have the same album 4 goddamn times plus a t-shirt and some collector's edition shit. On vinyl. Because everybody has the capability to listen to vinyl all the time and of course it's not costly or a hassle to get vinyl onto your computer so that it's in an easier to access format. No, of course not, that would be MADNESS. It's an established fact that everybody everywhere always has access to a turntable and you can get songs off of them and onto your ipod simply by clicking your heels 3 times and saying "I didn't just get fucked, I didn't just get fucked" until you start to believe it.
I mean, seriously, if they're trying to keep people from pirating their stuff, this is so NOT the way to do it. I preordered If back in March and felt no pangs because 25$ for the limited edition CD and a t-shirt was a pretty sweet deal. And it almost seems like paying double that plus change to get all 4 isn't that bad a deal, but remember, you're paying the 25$ for one album and a t-shirt and the subsequent 35 amounts to 2 extra tracks and a vinyl single. Are you fucking shitting me? Is this shit for real? The only thing I've seen that's more jaw dropping was the "special edition" of trent reznor's latest crap fest that sold for 500$ and sold out upon the day of release.
The best part is that if you read the band's blog, they announce these "deals" like they're doing you a favor. I will reiterate a past statement: Are you fucking shitting me? I took one look at that announcement and my first thought was "I wonder how long it'll take for the other editions to get put up on isohunt". Because, my friends, the day I pay for the SAME FUCKING ALBUM 4 times will be the day my dick falls off from getting fucked to death by Jessica Alba. Need a less wordy summary? The day I buy the same album 4 times will be the day I am fucking dead.
Now, the actual reason I'm writing this is because of a news post I prepared for Just Stunned (one of the strips set to go up I believe at the beginning of May). It started getting lengthier than I feel the average news post should, so consequently I decided to expand on it here. See, If has been completed for a while now (I would have to surmise at least since February. The band may have put it up on their blog but I'm just too fucking lazy to check). This means that they've been spending the interim period getting their marketing machine powered up to full steam, and have kept true to their roots of bending their fans over and fucking them in the ass.
You see, this makes the second album in a row now where MSI has released no less than eleventy-billion different versions. OK, that was kind of a lie. In actuality there are 4: standard edition CD, limited edition CD, limited edition vinyl, and edited cd. Normally, edited wouldn't warrant a mention, except for the fact that they added one track to it. They also added a different track to the vinyl edition, and added a few live songs on a special dvd for the limited edition. This of course means that there are, in actuality, 17 tracks in total (plus some live songs, but I'm only counting new stuff), but if you want all of them, you have to buy the same goddamn album at least 3 times.
But wait, there's more! Did you know that there is a special deal on their site's store where if you buy all 4 editions you get a t-shirt and a special vinyl single with yet ANOTHER new song plus a demo for one of the other tracks on the album? That's right, for $60, you can have the same album 4 goddamn times plus a t-shirt and some collector's edition shit. On vinyl. Because everybody has the capability to listen to vinyl all the time and of course it's not costly or a hassle to get vinyl onto your computer so that it's in an easier to access format. No, of course not, that would be MADNESS. It's an established fact that everybody everywhere always has access to a turntable and you can get songs off of them and onto your ipod simply by clicking your heels 3 times and saying "I didn't just get fucked, I didn't just get fucked" until you start to believe it.
I mean, seriously, if they're trying to keep people from pirating their stuff, this is so NOT the way to do it. I preordered If back in March and felt no pangs because 25$ for the limited edition CD and a t-shirt was a pretty sweet deal. And it almost seems like paying double that plus change to get all 4 isn't that bad a deal, but remember, you're paying the 25$ for one album and a t-shirt and the subsequent 35 amounts to 2 extra tracks and a vinyl single. Are you fucking shitting me? Is this shit for real? The only thing I've seen that's more jaw dropping was the "special edition" of trent reznor's latest crap fest that sold for 500$ and sold out upon the day of release.
The best part is that if you read the band's blog, they announce these "deals" like they're doing you a favor. I will reiterate a past statement: Are you fucking shitting me? I took one look at that announcement and my first thought was "I wonder how long it'll take for the other editions to get put up on isohunt". Because, my friends, the day I pay for the SAME FUCKING ALBUM 4 times will be the day my dick falls off from getting fucked to death by Jessica Alba. Need a less wordy summary? The day I buy the same album 4 times will be the day I am fucking dead.
Monday, April 14, 2008
The Unveiling
So those of you who haven't been paying attention to my shameless self promotion, the super secret mystery project (aka my webcomic) is now up with a grand total of 2 strips. You'll check it out, won't you?
http://juststunned.comicgenesis.com
It updates monday, wednesday, and friday hopefully. Hope you enjoy it!
http://juststunned.comicgenesis.com
It updates monday, wednesday, and friday hopefully. Hope you enjoy it!
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
We Find Most of our Clients Can Remember 2 Words
OK, Sega, this is it. I've been patient with you as a company, given that the Sega Genesis was my first video game system, but goddammit enough is enough. I cannot stand idly by while you continue to mouth-fuck your beloved intellectual properties to death.
So last week my roommate calls me over to check out the new sonic game's gameplay footage. Suffice to say, I was trepidatious. Remember Sonic 3D? The Sonic Adventure Series? Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games? Sega has done absolutely nothing to retain the trust of the gaming community at large, is what I'm driving at here. However, this new trailer had me about ready to drink that blue and prickly kool-aid. Minimal 3D elements, linear game play involving collecting rings and running fast, the game doesn't appear to be on rails, just some good looking 2D gameplay in some pretty nice looking 3D environments. Somebody hand me a chalice, I'm ready to drink.
Well, WAS ready to drink. I paused today to go on joystiq because I was at work and had nothing better to do. There I saw this coupled with this (sorry to be pulling a Tycho here and linking to 50 different things rather than summarize. I'm lazy. Fuck you.) Take this Kool-aid from my presence, for it pleases me not. "Reinventing sonic's gameplay" with "unusual situations"? All while "staying true to what made him an industry icon"? Fuck you! You don't get to claim you're reinventing him AND keeping him the same. And have you brain dead fucks at Sega learned nothing? What happened every time you tried to "reinvent sonic"?
Sega Developer 1: "guuuuuuh, let's turn sonic into a pinball game, then continue hitting ourselves in the heads with rocks"
Sega Developer 2: "better idea! let's give him a voice that 5 year olds would find lame, add some characters no one likes or cares about, THEN hit ourselves in the heads with rocks!
Sega Developer 3: "Gahhh! I just choked on my own tongue!"
Getting the basic gist here? So Sega, to quote the only funny madTV sketch in existence: "I will offer you a piece of advice. 2 words. Stop it. Just...just stop it." No good has ever come of "reinventing" sonic. Anyone remember the Dreamcast? No? oh right, at least in the US, there were like 4 games available before it tanked! That was when Sega turned themselves into the $50 hooker beneath the underpass, offering to license their beloved properties to the highest bidder, churning out shitfest after shitfest. Ever wonder why Sonic the Hedgehog 1, 2, 3, and Sonic And Knuckles did so well? Sega had the common sense not to FUCK AROUND with a working formula.
So fuck you, Sega. Fuck you for getting my hopes up, fuck you for sending them spiraling back to the ground, and fuck you for shilling out all of your integrity and turning sonic into a fucking werewolf. You stupid fucks.
So last week my roommate calls me over to check out the new sonic game's gameplay footage. Suffice to say, I was trepidatious. Remember Sonic 3D? The Sonic Adventure Series? Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games? Sega has done absolutely nothing to retain the trust of the gaming community at large, is what I'm driving at here. However, this new trailer had me about ready to drink that blue and prickly kool-aid. Minimal 3D elements, linear game play involving collecting rings and running fast, the game doesn't appear to be on rails, just some good looking 2D gameplay in some pretty nice looking 3D environments. Somebody hand me a chalice, I'm ready to drink.
Well, WAS ready to drink. I paused today to go on joystiq because I was at work and had nothing better to do. There I saw this coupled with this (sorry to be pulling a Tycho here and linking to 50 different things rather than summarize. I'm lazy. Fuck you.) Take this Kool-aid from my presence, for it pleases me not. "Reinventing sonic's gameplay" with "unusual situations"? All while "staying true to what made him an industry icon"? Fuck you! You don't get to claim you're reinventing him AND keeping him the same. And have you brain dead fucks at Sega learned nothing? What happened every time you tried to "reinvent sonic"?
Sega Developer 1: "guuuuuuh, let's turn sonic into a pinball game, then continue hitting ourselves in the heads with rocks"
Sega Developer 2: "better idea! let's give him a voice that 5 year olds would find lame, add some characters no one likes or cares about, THEN hit ourselves in the heads with rocks!
Sega Developer 3: "Gahhh! I just choked on my own tongue!"
Getting the basic gist here? So Sega, to quote the only funny madTV sketch in existence: "I will offer you a piece of advice. 2 words. Stop it. Just...just stop it." No good has ever come of "reinventing" sonic. Anyone remember the Dreamcast? No? oh right, at least in the US, there were like 4 games available before it tanked! That was when Sega turned themselves into the $50 hooker beneath the underpass, offering to license their beloved properties to the highest bidder, churning out shitfest after shitfest. Ever wonder why Sonic the Hedgehog 1, 2, 3, and Sonic And Knuckles did so well? Sega had the common sense not to FUCK AROUND with a working formula.
So fuck you, Sega. Fuck you for getting my hopes up, fuck you for sending them spiraling back to the ground, and fuck you for shilling out all of your integrity and turning sonic into a fucking werewolf. You stupid fucks.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat...
I hope that sounded menacing enough. Anyway, I've been absent a few weeks, but it is not for nothing. I've been working on something. Here's a preview. The resolution sucks because google auto-shrinks your images, and since this took up my whole monitor...yeah, it kind of got fucked. Still, GAZE AND MARVEL!
Are you excited? I'm excited.
Are you excited? I'm excited.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
How I Learned to Stop Hating Hardcore Kids and Start REALLY Hating Hardcore Kids
Those of you that know me know that when I go to a show, I like my moshes to be straight fucking moshes. This means there should be precisely 3 things going on: pushing people, running in circles, and pushing people some more. Those of you that know me also know my opinion about hardcore kids (for those of you who don't, I hate them, as the title implies). This was solidified last year at a Between The Buried and Me concert when, while defending myself from a hardcore dancer, I got sucker punched in the face. I have an old blog on my myspace ranting about why, if people are seeing an EMT on a regular basis at your shows, the reaction should not be "YEAH, HARDCORE DUDE!!!" Rather, people should wonder what is wrong with their scene that causes so many grievous injuries.
However, risk of life and limb aside, I still enjoy the music and, while I come out of some shows with a few bruised, the incident at Between The Buried And Me was relatively isolated in my personal experience. That was why I wasn't terribly fazed when I got to the Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza show last night. There was the usual run of idiots flailing around like retarded fish out of water, and because the space was limited, they were a little harder to avoid than usual. Nothing I can't handle though. You can take a punch to the face, you can survive a few hits in the arms or back (which is where I'm very sore right now). However, halfway through the second band's set (Born of Osiris: they were awesome, like As I Lay Dying but grindier) I noticed that we were dealing with a very special breed of asshole at this show.
See, at most shows, the hardcore kids maintain a moderate distance from the edge of the pit out of whatever small shred of courtesy they may have for their fellow concertgoers. This show however, had people rushing the edges with spin kicks and flailing punches. Now I cannot stress this point enough here, hardcore dancers look like fucking morons. Words can't even describe how stupid this new moshpit fad is, so I'll let video do it for me.
Look at these fucking idiots. Oh my god it makes me want to shoot myself, as if this is truly the up and coming generation, we are all fucked.
Anyway, Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza, Born of Osiris, and See You Next Tuesday (aka CUNT) went off without a hitch for the most part. CUNT was too drunk though, and by the end of their set, it degraded to pure noise. Not like grind noise, but like the guitarist slamming his fretboard against the amp. At one point he pulled me onto the "stage" (which was elevated about 6 inches off the ground) and threw me into the audience. I have no idea why. Anyway, Beneath The Massacre was headlining, and Mike and I were there for TDTDE and them, so we were pretty stoked. 10 minutes into the set, a guy came up on the stage, said something to the singer, and the singer announced "OK, guys, stop fighting with each other out there. Just come up here and headbang with us, we all want a good time but people don't have to get hurt." Solid advice from a cool guy. Flash forward to 5 minutes later when the show stopped again because 10 guys were beating the living shit out of 1 person. I don't know what that guy did, but these fucking pussies were on him like balls in a hardcore kid's mouth. They were slamming him into the bar, knocking him down, and punching and kicking him in the face. There was a puddle of blood on the floor about one foot in diameter. We're not talking smears here, we're talking an actual puddle. I also saw what I believed to be a tooth, but I couldn't be sure because all of the blood on the floor was obscuring things. Have all of my italics made this clear enough?
At this point a guy from the knitting factory came out and started yelling at the crowd that "they were acting like a bunch of fucking idiots and that they needed to show some fucking respect for the bands". Then they canceled the rest of the show. That's right, hardcore kids managed to get a show fucking canceled because they wouldn't listen to the band (who they supposedly respect enough to pay money to see) when they told them to fucking cool it. The show got divided into two people: those who supported the knitting factory guy, and those who kept chanting "fuck you, asshole!" Let me make this clear. They were beating the living shit out of somebody for no good reason (I don't know what he did, but nobody deserves the beating that he took unless they are Osama Bin Laden or Peter Jackson) and they were outraged when the band told them to stop beating the shit out of people. I have gone to somewhere between 30 and 40 metal shows and have never seen a beating half this severe. Before this, my trump card of mosh pit stories was my friend Ben getting half of his front tooth kicked out.
On the way out of the show, I commented to Mike that this was why hardcore dancing is stupid. Somebody gets hurt, a fight breaks out, and it wrecks the show for people who just wanted a night of headbanging and heavy music. Some dude overheard it and started calling me a "faggot pussy motherfucking bitch" and suggested that I "go cry about it" like "a faggot". And that sums up the hardcore scene right there. A bunch of meatheads who can't resolve conflicts like a human being and instead gang up on people, because in a one on one fight they would go down like the dickless pieces of shit that they are.
However, risk of life and limb aside, I still enjoy the music and, while I come out of some shows with a few bruised, the incident at Between The Buried And Me was relatively isolated in my personal experience. That was why I wasn't terribly fazed when I got to the Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza show last night. There was the usual run of idiots flailing around like retarded fish out of water, and because the space was limited, they were a little harder to avoid than usual. Nothing I can't handle though. You can take a punch to the face, you can survive a few hits in the arms or back (which is where I'm very sore right now). However, halfway through the second band's set (Born of Osiris: they were awesome, like As I Lay Dying but grindier) I noticed that we were dealing with a very special breed of asshole at this show.
See, at most shows, the hardcore kids maintain a moderate distance from the edge of the pit out of whatever small shred of courtesy they may have for their fellow concertgoers. This show however, had people rushing the edges with spin kicks and flailing punches. Now I cannot stress this point enough here, hardcore dancers look like fucking morons. Words can't even describe how stupid this new moshpit fad is, so I'll let video do it for me.
Look at these fucking idiots. Oh my god it makes me want to shoot myself, as if this is truly the up and coming generation, we are all fucked.
Anyway, Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza, Born of Osiris, and See You Next Tuesday (aka CUNT) went off without a hitch for the most part. CUNT was too drunk though, and by the end of their set, it degraded to pure noise. Not like grind noise, but like the guitarist slamming his fretboard against the amp. At one point he pulled me onto the "stage" (which was elevated about 6 inches off the ground) and threw me into the audience. I have no idea why. Anyway, Beneath The Massacre was headlining, and Mike and I were there for TDTDE and them, so we were pretty stoked. 10 minutes into the set, a guy came up on the stage, said something to the singer, and the singer announced "OK, guys, stop fighting with each other out there. Just come up here and headbang with us, we all want a good time but people don't have to get hurt." Solid advice from a cool guy. Flash forward to 5 minutes later when the show stopped again because 10 guys were beating the living shit out of 1 person. I don't know what that guy did, but these fucking pussies were on him like balls in a hardcore kid's mouth. They were slamming him into the bar, knocking him down, and punching and kicking him in the face. There was a puddle of blood on the floor about one foot in diameter. We're not talking smears here, we're talking an actual puddle. I also saw what I believed to be a tooth, but I couldn't be sure because all of the blood on the floor was obscuring things. Have all of my italics made this clear enough?
At this point a guy from the knitting factory came out and started yelling at the crowd that "they were acting like a bunch of fucking idiots and that they needed to show some fucking respect for the bands". Then they canceled the rest of the show. That's right, hardcore kids managed to get a show fucking canceled because they wouldn't listen to the band (who they supposedly respect enough to pay money to see) when they told them to fucking cool it. The show got divided into two people: those who supported the knitting factory guy, and those who kept chanting "fuck you, asshole!" Let me make this clear. They were beating the living shit out of somebody for no good reason (I don't know what he did, but nobody deserves the beating that he took unless they are Osama Bin Laden or Peter Jackson) and they were outraged when the band told them to stop beating the shit out of people. I have gone to somewhere between 30 and 40 metal shows and have never seen a beating half this severe. Before this, my trump card of mosh pit stories was my friend Ben getting half of his front tooth kicked out.
On the way out of the show, I commented to Mike that this was why hardcore dancing is stupid. Somebody gets hurt, a fight breaks out, and it wrecks the show for people who just wanted a night of headbanging and heavy music. Some dude overheard it and started calling me a "faggot pussy motherfucking bitch" and suggested that I "go cry about it" like "a faggot". And that sums up the hardcore scene right there. A bunch of meatheads who can't resolve conflicts like a human being and instead gang up on people, because in a one on one fight they would go down like the dickless pieces of shit that they are.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Do You Dislike People?
Then come and work at NYU's dining halls and health center. That's right, if you hate talking to, interacting with, helping, or simply seeing other people, then these positions are perfect for you. Allow me to elucidate.
I'll start with the dining halls, as I have less of a bone to pick with them, but a bone nonetheless (insert appropriate sexual innuendo here). I live at the Palladium, which amongst it's numerous other features (a career center that I have not visited since fall and a gym that I never use) features a dining hall. There are 12 residential floors in the building with about 25 rooms apiece, most of which house 4 students each. Suffice to say, there are a lot of people in this building which means the dining hall is always crowded. This of course means that the employees there (with the exception of one cool guy who can knock off 10 people in about 2 minutes) prepare and serve the food one person at a time. This is in addition to barely ever paying attention to requests (because asking them to not put onions on your sandwich is an affront to them and you must be made to pay for it), maintaining a gruff and shouty demeanor, and essentially treating you like shit scraped from their boots for asking them to do their fucking job and get you your food. If food preparation is not your thing, you can be the official swipe nazi, ensuring that only people who have swiped meals are allowed to even look at the dining area (which is a completely separate room from where you acquire the food). This means that if you have a friend who doesn't have a meal plan (about half of the people in my group) it will cost you an extra meal for them to sit with you. Not even take the food. Just to sit down at a table. As if, given the choice between their own good food and the dining hall, somebody would knock over the dining hall for all it's worth. There's nothing I love more than burnt burgers, powdered eggs, and quite possibly the shittiest, driest sandwiches I have ever consumed.
Now onward for those of you so misanthropic that even sighting another human being makes your stomach turn: The NYU Health Center. If you make an appointment, it is almost guaranteed that you will not be seen for at least a week, probably two, after you call to schedule. Should you actually still be ailing from whatever your initial problem was when your appointment finally rolls around, they will make you fill out a questionnaire about every possible thing that might be even remotely pertinent (pre-existing conditions, things that run in the family, do you drink/smoke/use drugs, what kind of sex you have with how many people, do you wear a seatbelt - yes that is a real question that they ask every time you go in). This may seem like something that would be worthwhile, and it would be if the quacks that work at that fucking cesspool of incompetence actually read it. Instead, the nurse will come in, ask you the questions that you just finished filling out, and write them down. Then the "doctor" will come in and ask you the same questions that the nurse just asked you, which you just filled out on the goddamn form. Brief example: I have been taking zyrtec for my allergies since I was 14 and always say such on the form, yet when I went in this week to get the horrifying hives I have been breaking out in treated, the "doctor" had the fucking gall to recommend that I try zyrtec. When I told them I have taken it for so long that I am practically immune to antihistamines, the doctor shrugged and recommended I make an appointment with the allergist. They fit me in in March.
Now, should you manage to make it past the form/question triple barrage without dying from overexposure to pure stupid, they will chalk up whatever is ailing you to one of two things: post nasal drip or (if applicable) smoking. I could walk in there with a gunshot wound to the fucking arm and they would tell me that it is, in all likelihood, a cold. It took Allison 3 trips in two weeks to get diagnosed with mono, and on the last trip her throat was so swollen that she could barely talk and they had to intravenously hydrate her because it hurt too much to eat or drink. And they were still ambivalent as to whether or not it was post nasal drip. I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. This place makes me so goddamned angry that I sometimes contemplate lighting myself on fire and running around in front of their building to warn others not to enter if they might even be slightly sick, finally leaving an ashen husk as a grim reminder of my sacrifice (until the street cleaners sweep me into a dustpan).
So if either of these posts sound like something you'd be interested in, apply today and they'll be sure not to help you just as soon as they can.
I'll start with the dining halls, as I have less of a bone to pick with them, but a bone nonetheless (insert appropriate sexual innuendo here). I live at the Palladium, which amongst it's numerous other features (a career center that I have not visited since fall and a gym that I never use) features a dining hall. There are 12 residential floors in the building with about 25 rooms apiece, most of which house 4 students each. Suffice to say, there are a lot of people in this building which means the dining hall is always crowded. This of course means that the employees there (with the exception of one cool guy who can knock off 10 people in about 2 minutes) prepare and serve the food one person at a time. This is in addition to barely ever paying attention to requests (because asking them to not put onions on your sandwich is an affront to them and you must be made to pay for it), maintaining a gruff and shouty demeanor, and essentially treating you like shit scraped from their boots for asking them to do their fucking job and get you your food. If food preparation is not your thing, you can be the official swipe nazi, ensuring that only people who have swiped meals are allowed to even look at the dining area (which is a completely separate room from where you acquire the food). This means that if you have a friend who doesn't have a meal plan (about half of the people in my group) it will cost you an extra meal for them to sit with you. Not even take the food. Just to sit down at a table. As if, given the choice between their own good food and the dining hall, somebody would knock over the dining hall for all it's worth. There's nothing I love more than burnt burgers, powdered eggs, and quite possibly the shittiest, driest sandwiches I have ever consumed.
Now onward for those of you so misanthropic that even sighting another human being makes your stomach turn: The NYU Health Center. If you make an appointment, it is almost guaranteed that you will not be seen for at least a week, probably two, after you call to schedule. Should you actually still be ailing from whatever your initial problem was when your appointment finally rolls around, they will make you fill out a questionnaire about every possible thing that might be even remotely pertinent (pre-existing conditions, things that run in the family, do you drink/smoke/use drugs, what kind of sex you have with how many people, do you wear a seatbelt - yes that is a real question that they ask every time you go in). This may seem like something that would be worthwhile, and it would be if the quacks that work at that fucking cesspool of incompetence actually read it. Instead, the nurse will come in, ask you the questions that you just finished filling out, and write them down. Then the "doctor" will come in and ask you the same questions that the nurse just asked you, which you just filled out on the goddamn form. Brief example: I have been taking zyrtec for my allergies since I was 14 and always say such on the form, yet when I went in this week to get the horrifying hives I have been breaking out in treated, the "doctor" had the fucking gall to recommend that I try zyrtec. When I told them I have taken it for so long that I am practically immune to antihistamines, the doctor shrugged and recommended I make an appointment with the allergist. They fit me in in March.
Now, should you manage to make it past the form/question triple barrage without dying from overexposure to pure stupid, they will chalk up whatever is ailing you to one of two things: post nasal drip or (if applicable) smoking. I could walk in there with a gunshot wound to the fucking arm and they would tell me that it is, in all likelihood, a cold. It took Allison 3 trips in two weeks to get diagnosed with mono, and on the last trip her throat was so swollen that she could barely talk and they had to intravenously hydrate her because it hurt too much to eat or drink. And they were still ambivalent as to whether or not it was post nasal drip. I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. This place makes me so goddamned angry that I sometimes contemplate lighting myself on fire and running around in front of their building to warn others not to enter if they might even be slightly sick, finally leaving an ashen husk as a grim reminder of my sacrifice (until the street cleaners sweep me into a dustpan).
So if either of these posts sound like something you'd be interested in, apply today and they'll be sure not to help you just as soon as they can.
Friday, February 22, 2008
The Key to the Most Profound Sadness You Will Ever Feel
Don't worry, everything is actually a-OK in the Michael camp at present, yet right now I am seriously bummed out. Like, seriously. What may have happened, you might ask? Did Allison dump me? Have I been booted from the university? Do I have every kind of cancer at once? Has my spleen fallen out of my asshole? No my friends, this is something much more, as the title says, profound.
Over winter break, my sister got me watching the show Six Feet Under. Let me tell you, for those of you who have not seen it, it is absolutely incredible. Better than The Sopranos, 24, Lost, and The Office combined. However, with such a fantastic show comes fantastic consequences. Namely, you get heavily invested in all of the characters. When you like a character, you are enamored with them, and when you hate them, you feel such blood boiling rage that the line between reality and fiction blurs so heavily that you may vent your frustrations on your family in retribution for the actions of the characters on the show. Suffice to say, it is engrossing.
Anyway, I don't want to give away too much for anyone who may still have designs to see it, but the final season is one of the most emotionally straining things I have ever put myself through. It's been almost a day since I watched the final episode and I am still plagued by a certain ennui. Life lacks a certain vigor now that the show has concluded, specifically due to the way it concludes. Oh well, at least I've still got season 5 of The Shield to watch in order to bring me back to the world of the living.
Over winter break, my sister got me watching the show Six Feet Under. Let me tell you, for those of you who have not seen it, it is absolutely incredible. Better than The Sopranos, 24, Lost, and The Office combined. However, with such a fantastic show comes fantastic consequences. Namely, you get heavily invested in all of the characters. When you like a character, you are enamored with them, and when you hate them, you feel such blood boiling rage that the line between reality and fiction blurs so heavily that you may vent your frustrations on your family in retribution for the actions of the characters on the show. Suffice to say, it is engrossing.
Anyway, I don't want to give away too much for anyone who may still have designs to see it, but the final season is one of the most emotionally straining things I have ever put myself through. It's been almost a day since I watched the final episode and I am still plagued by a certain ennui. Life lacks a certain vigor now that the show has concluded, specifically due to the way it concludes. Oh well, at least I've still got season 5 of The Shield to watch in order to bring me back to the world of the living.
Friday, January 25, 2008
On "Controversy"
OK, before you read this post, have you read the one below it? About Microsoft discovering sex? No? Go read it now. Don't worry, it's cool, I'll wait. Kind of amusing wasn't it? Anyway, here are my actual thoughts on all of this shit that's been happening.
I was going to post the original article that inspired this rage (now kind of notorious on the internet), but it looks like the hack who wrote it has since taken the post down off of his site (probably for two reasons: 1) he realized that he could not support a single claim that he made and 2) he is a cowardly idiot. Yes I'm resorting to name calling, but whatever. I will call an idiot one if I damn well please). The thesis is essentially that Mass Effect is a sex simulator that is only a step away from breeding a generation of sexual deviants and rapists. In lieu of that riveting journalistic expose, here is the Wikipedia summary, and here is the video it mentions, which is so goddamned infuriating that in spite of the fact that I was in a public office, I could be seen, headphones on my ears, scoffing and seething throughout its duration. The best part is the host claiming to "just have gotten back into video games" when it is obvious that even duck hunt would be beyond this feeble twat's grasp.
What baffles me the most about this so-called controversy is that this information has been available since literally MONTHS before the goddamn game was even released. Haven't we been done with it for awhile anyway? Besides, it was much more terrifying when, you know, the game wasn't actually done and no one knew. Now, just go to youtube, search "mass effect alien sex" and voila! Oh god, just look at it! the horror! My fragile mind is forever shattered!
This whole scenario is really just part of a much more disturbing trend, however. Pundits are being given far too much control of what the media reports, and the thing about most pundits is that they argue, rather than report. Thusly, they aren't exactly obligated to present all sides of an argument, or in this case ANY side. What grinds my gears is that the material in question is available for public review. It comprises 1:30 seconds of a 20+ hour game, and yet people are still getting their collective panties in such a twist that Chubby Checker wouldn't even know what to do. These panels consist of nobody knowledgeable on the subject of electronic media and that is profoundly disturbing. We see the same patterns in global warming and medical issues like stem cells and abortions. Instead of knowledgeable and reputable people from the fields in question, "information" is instead disseminated to us by conservative business interests and religious nutcases.
The worst part is that people seem to buy into this painfully ignorant media hype as fact rather than question what sounds like an incredibly dubious claim to begin with. A video game filled with hours on end of nothing but sexually depraved interactive sequences just flat out would not exist, much like you would not see screenings of Anal Cumsluts 4 at your local movie theater playing alongside The Chronicles of Narnia. In fact, if a game garners an Adults Only rating (which such a game, as described by these moronic hacks, would certainly receive), then the major platforms (Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft) would refuse to allow them to be published for their system until the content is back in check and the ESRB deems it Mature or lower. The points that some people make are fairly reasonable: parents should watch what their children play. I wasn't allowed to play any games with shooting whatsoever until I was 11 and had a firm grasp of the fact that video games weren't reality (by that time I had about 5 years of gaming under my belt). But for fuck's sake people, parents don't NEED to be on the lookout for rape simulators. In fact, if you find yourself in an establishment where you wonder whether or not electronic rape how-to kits are being sold, you should probably just cut your losses and find a different store, as I can assure you, you are not at Gamestop.
I guess the encompassing argument to this diatribe is as follows: just because the caption at the bottom of the screen says "panel of experts" it does not mean that these people are experts. Oil companies are providing global warming studies, religious figures are telling us how we should handle the field of medicine, and psychologists who wouldn't recognize a playstation if they were bludgeoned in the face with the box are "authorities" on electronic entertainment. The trend seems to be that the louder someone is, the more weight they carry in that particular field, and that is simply not true. After all, if that was the case, I would be the goddamned president.
I was going to post the original article that inspired this rage (now kind of notorious on the internet), but it looks like the hack who wrote it has since taken the post down off of his site (probably for two reasons: 1) he realized that he could not support a single claim that he made and 2) he is a cowardly idiot. Yes I'm resorting to name calling, but whatever. I will call an idiot one if I damn well please). The thesis is essentially that Mass Effect is a sex simulator that is only a step away from breeding a generation of sexual deviants and rapists. In lieu of that riveting journalistic expose, here is the Wikipedia summary, and here is the video it mentions, which is so goddamned infuriating that in spite of the fact that I was in a public office, I could be seen, headphones on my ears, scoffing and seething throughout its duration. The best part is the host claiming to "just have gotten back into video games" when it is obvious that even duck hunt would be beyond this feeble twat's grasp.
What baffles me the most about this so-called controversy is that this information has been available since literally MONTHS before the goddamn game was even released. Haven't we been done with it for awhile anyway? Besides, it was much more terrifying when, you know, the game wasn't actually done and no one knew. Now, just go to youtube, search "mass effect alien sex" and voila! Oh god, just look at it! the horror! My fragile mind is forever shattered!
This whole scenario is really just part of a much more disturbing trend, however. Pundits are being given far too much control of what the media reports, and the thing about most pundits is that they argue, rather than report. Thusly, they aren't exactly obligated to present all sides of an argument, or in this case ANY side. What grinds my gears is that the material in question is available for public review. It comprises 1:30 seconds of a 20+ hour game, and yet people are still getting their collective panties in such a twist that Chubby Checker wouldn't even know what to do. These panels consist of nobody knowledgeable on the subject of electronic media and that is profoundly disturbing. We see the same patterns in global warming and medical issues like stem cells and abortions. Instead of knowledgeable and reputable people from the fields in question, "information" is instead disseminated to us by conservative business interests and religious nutcases.
The worst part is that people seem to buy into this painfully ignorant media hype as fact rather than question what sounds like an incredibly dubious claim to begin with. A video game filled with hours on end of nothing but sexually depraved interactive sequences just flat out would not exist, much like you would not see screenings of Anal Cumsluts 4 at your local movie theater playing alongside The Chronicles of Narnia. In fact, if a game garners an Adults Only rating (which such a game, as described by these moronic hacks, would certainly receive), then the major platforms (Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft) would refuse to allow them to be published for their system until the content is back in check and the ESRB deems it Mature or lower. The points that some people make are fairly reasonable: parents should watch what their children play. I wasn't allowed to play any games with shooting whatsoever until I was 11 and had a firm grasp of the fact that video games weren't reality (by that time I had about 5 years of gaming under my belt). But for fuck's sake people, parents don't NEED to be on the lookout for rape simulators. In fact, if you find yourself in an establishment where you wonder whether or not electronic rape how-to kits are being sold, you should probably just cut your losses and find a different store, as I can assure you, you are not at Gamestop.
I guess the encompassing argument to this diatribe is as follows: just because the caption at the bottom of the screen says "panel of experts" it does not mean that these people are experts. Oil companies are providing global warming studies, religious figures are telling us how we should handle the field of medicine, and psychologists who wouldn't recognize a playstation if they were bludgeoned in the face with the box are "authorities" on electronic entertainment. The trend seems to be that the louder someone is, the more weight they carry in that particular field, and that is simply not true. After all, if that was the case, I would be the goddamned president.
Microsoft Invented Sex
I'm not even fucking kidding here. If it was not for Microsoft, I never would have known what sex was. Oh, I was a perfectly normal guy, leading a perfectly normal life these past 20 years. You know, prayer circles, youth groups, witch burnings, the usual. This Christmas though, that all changed. My parents, in what could only be described as the worst move they could have made bought me the new popular electronic entertainment title called Mass Effect. I know their intentions were good. They never would have dreamed that a game that was rated M for Mature audiences would have inappropriate content. Even though I'm over 17 (the age specified on the box) by a good 3 years, it never hurts to be thoroughly scrutinizing in one's media consumption. I began playing this game, and my mind was BLOWN.
Every single event in this game is wrought with sex. Just all kinds of intercourse. There is a weapon called the sodomizer. There is a peripheral that you can attach to your xbox so that when you rape somebody in the game, you can rape somebody in real life, the game mapping and plotting your every thrust and violation in sickening 3-d high definition graphics (720, OR 1080p. Smut peddlers). The times when you're not perpetrating your sickest fantasies involving sodomy, curling irons, banana peels, and a large mouth bass, you are simply not playing this game. You know why that is? Every second is jam packed with more smut than Sodom itself.
I never knew what sex was until Microsoft brought it into the media for the first time ever in this video game, but now, all i do is rape people in mass effect, then when I eventually overheat the system from all of the hardcore-pornstar-fucking I'm doing, I set small animals on fire and rape little girls. Thanks a lot Microsoft, because you guys made this game, I'm a murdering sexual deviant, capable only of achieving orgasm if someone dresses up like an alien bitch and lets me hold a gun to their rectum.
Every single event in this game is wrought with sex. Just all kinds of intercourse. There is a weapon called the sodomizer. There is a peripheral that you can attach to your xbox so that when you rape somebody in the game, you can rape somebody in real life, the game mapping and plotting your every thrust and violation in sickening 3-d high definition graphics (720, OR 1080p. Smut peddlers). The times when you're not perpetrating your sickest fantasies involving sodomy, curling irons, banana peels, and a large mouth bass, you are simply not playing this game. You know why that is? Every second is jam packed with more smut than Sodom itself.
I never knew what sex was until Microsoft brought it into the media for the first time ever in this video game, but now, all i do is rape people in mass effect, then when I eventually overheat the system from all of the hardcore-pornstar-fucking I'm doing, I set small animals on fire and rape little girls. Thanks a lot Microsoft, because you guys made this game, I'm a murdering sexual deviant, capable only of achieving orgasm if someone dresses up like an alien bitch and lets me hold a gun to their rectum.
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