Descriptive Titles are for Suckers

I've reached a point where my posts tend to be so stream of consciousness based that it's almost pointless for me to put up a title. I guess one point to get out of the way for clarification: Allison and I recently broke up. I'm not thrilled about it, and It's weird adjusting to it, but in terms of breakups it's hard to imagine one more mutual. Gifts of booze in which to drown my sorrows can be brought to Broome 405. Just saying.

But moving away from the morose (lest this look like a friends only post on some 13 year old's myspace) we will now turn our thoughts to lighter fare, namely: music and stuff! There are a few things I've been wanting to talk about on here for a while, but felt that i really needed to give the albums their due listenings before I just shat out an opinion like so much...poop.

First up has been, while not quite a "Chinese Democracy" style wait, a long time in the making and that is Metallica's Death Magnetic. I know I'm not alone in saying that their last release (St. Anger) was probably the shittiest shit to ever be shat and the releases preceding it were terrible with maybe one good song apiece. So imagine my surprise when I start playing this album (that I of course legitimately purchased if Lars Ulrich happens to be reading this) and I mistakenly think I've started up And Justice For All. Apparently when Metallica went into the studio, Rick Rubin told them to write what they felt to be an "unreleased sequel to Master of Puppets" and in a sense that's precisely what the album feels like. Sure, there are a few forgettable tracks and they try (to little avail) to release a third track in "The Unforgiven" series (cleverly titled "The Unforgiven III" because when in doubt, just make the number higher), but when they are on holy FUCK are they on. James' voice hasn't aged particularly well and it's the only real complaint I have, but I also feel that I can't complain too much since your ability to sing will naturally be harder to maintain. This isn't the case with other instruments unless you suffer from debilitating arthritis or say, get crushed twice by a van. I hear that kind of kills your ability to perform well. Anyway, the album is definitely a return featuring chuggy but machine-like rhythms and awesome soloing. The lyrics are trash, but they always are. No one cares about the lyrics. The drums are...well, they're drums. At this point I'm just happy when Lars Ulrich shuts up and plays something that SOUNDS like drums. Master of Puppets it ain't, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. Lars Ulrich is still a total douche though. 7/10

Next on the docket is one of my most highly anticipated releases and that is from the almighty Slipknot. Everybody who was in to metal in the early 2000's definitely had a thing for Slipknot, and I am proud(?) to say that I probably put those motherfuckers to shame in what could only be described as adolescent idol worship. This album has been almost 5 years in the making and since then I've had plenty of time to stop giving a shit what the guys have been up to, and I'm only moderately sorry I did. Every track on this album picks from one of two settings: "awesome" and "stone sour b-side". I don't know if Corey Taylor is aware, but maybe someday he'll chance to read this post and he will hear me say this: The ONLY reason anyone listens to Stone Sour is that they're just biding time until you start doing Slipknot stuff again. I guarantee that if you started Stone Sour and never had anything to do with Slipknot, the act would be written off with the millions of other nu-metal casualties and abortions from 1998 or so till about 2003. People don't want to hear Stone Sour, it's simply a methadone for the heroin that is Slipknot kind of like A Perfect Circle is to Tool. My point is that if I wanted to hear Stone Sour, I want to hear it independently of the band I actually give a shit about. STOP SINGING LIKE THE TWO BANDS ARE INTERCHANGEABLE. I don't mind melody from Slipknot at all, but it has to sound like Slipknot, and they have a very distinct style. Enough bitching though. When the band is off, as illustrated above, they are OFF. When they are on, however, they have taken the Slipknot sound to a whole new level. Once again, the most notable improvement is Mick and James' guitar work, which really serves to showcase their ability. When not channeling Stone Sour, Corey sounds as raw and visceral as he did on Iowa and the songs are heavy enough to warrant a good solo-head bang while walking in public for no other reason than that you can't help it. 7/10

I am a big fat liar

Why am I a big fat liar, you ask? Well, remember how that last UNGODLY long post made mention that it would be a two parter? Well I was writing it at work and had every intention of putting up part two when I got home, but when I sat down at my computer, I forgot what else I was going to write about. Anyway, let's pretend I apologized for not updating for yet another month like anybody actually reads this fucking thing, and move rapidly onward.

Allison came out to visit towards the end of June. Ordinarily, I'd do the whole "my thoughts on Allison's visit" thing, but honestly, she was here for 2 weeks and we managed to do a lot of stuff. The point is, if you give a shit about what we did, ask me and I'll be happy to fill you in. Anyway, she's gone back to Baltimore now, leaving me a sad and lonely Michael until the end of August when i finally get to go back to New York. Just roughly 40 days or so...

Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about a few things that have caught my interest of late, so here we go. First up is the new Guitar Hero for DS. It's called Guitar Hero: On Tour, but I refuse to call it that largely because that title is a lie. Were one to take this game on tour and play it in places where a DS is the handiest (long car rides, plane flights, etc.) the people stuck next to you would put up with the incessant clicking and tapping for probably 5 minutes if you're lucky before they ram your snazzy guitar pick/stylus through your eyeball. Point is, it is impossible to play this game unobtrusively. You will convulse in rhythm with the song as you take sweeping hacks at the touch screen (which seems to just decide to stop registering that you're strumming at random, particularly on "Breed" by Nirvana) and the buttons make that obnoxious click that the guitar hero controllers are known for. Still, if you overlook the fact that there is literally no reason to have this game released for a handheld system, it's pretty fun. The songs are pretty good for the most part and the controller attachment (which plugs into the GBA slot on the bottom) is fairly intuitive. Strumming takes a few songs to really master, but (at least when it feels like working) becomes pretty ok. I'm just kind of annoyed that, as I said, there was no reason for this game to come out on DS. Just release another expansion like they did with "Rocks the 80's". It'll be less hard on our wrists (and I assure you, should you procure this game, that if you do not abide by the "take a break every 15 minutes" warning they give, you will develop arthritis before you beat it on easy). The kicker is that I would not be surprised at all if this shit wound up getting ported to something else anyway. I don't know, it's probably too early to tell.

I do have one huge gaping fucking qualm with the game though. Items in the store are locked. Not just special "you have to beat the game on hard or whatever" kinds of items either. Literally every item in the store is locked and has some arbitrary requirement to unlock it. Ordinarily I don't really mind unlockable content, but this is special because half of the things are unlocked by playing on easy and medium. Now I'm all for easing people into the difficulty curve of a game, but this is guitar hero. It's been out for a while and a lot of us may already be pretty fucking good at it. So I will say this in all capitals for emphasis: STOP MAKING ME FUCKING PLAY THE FUCKING GAME ON EASY AND MEDIUM. I HAVEN'T PLAYED THE FUCKING GAME ON EASY OR MEDIUM SINCE I GOT THE FIRST FUCKING GUITAR HERO GAME ALMOST 2 FUCKING YEARS AGO. GOING BACK TO PLAY EVERY SONG I'VE ALREADY PROVEN I CAN BEAT ON EXPERT ON EASY IS FUCKING INSULTING AND IT TURNS THE GAME INTO A CHORE. Ok, capslock off. So yeah, that's my major gripe...

This allows me to segue rather nicely to this announcement for Rock Band deuce. I'll give you a minute to read it. Done? Alrighty then. Does this game not look like the second coming? I swear it's almost enough to make the 200$ price tag seem worth it. Scratch that, I'd probably pay 3 and still feel like I was getting a hell of a bargain. Seriously, it sounds like with the attachment of just a few peripherals, this game could also become a combination blender/cuisinart.

Alright, that's all I've got for the time being. Keep it real, stay fresh, sick, and/or tight.

I nitpick otherwise enjoyable activities!

So it's been a while since I wrote anything. I'd apologize, but I don't give a shit. First, an administrative announcement:

Just Stunned hasn't updated in about a month. I know this. However, I started hitting wall after wall with the last week or so of strips that I did, and I was dissatisfied with the results, so I'm putting the comic on hiatus until I'm back in a comic-ing place. I'm not going to let it fizzle, but I do feel that I owe it to people to put out funny strips, and not just comics for comics' sake.

Now on to why I'm actually writing this: Of late, I've been playing quite a few video games, what with acquiring a shiny new DS, getting my xbox back from Microsoft, and having access to my own Wii again. That having been said, I've been noticing my gripes with some of my recent acquisitions have been building up almost as quickly as the things I love about them. First up:

Any game in the Mario Series: This gripe is spawned from mario games where you play as mario doing mario things, not to be confused with all out battles to the death, go-kart racing, and inexplicable, pointless, and repetitive party games. First of all, why does anyone use "lives" anymore? Lives were something that were created when games didn't have save features and were more or less beatable in one sitting if you were really good. The problem is, nowadays lives are just a way to punish you for getting stuck. Both "New Super Mario bros." and "Super Mario Galaxy" are guilty of this. You die, you go back to the last checkpoint you reached. You can do this ad nauseum should you still have lives. Once you run out you... uh... go back to the beginning of the level you got stuck on, meaning you have to go through all the shit you've proven you're capable of doing, only to get stuck on the same part. Until you run out of lives. Also, New Super Mario bros. has 2 entire worlds that you have to meet stupid and contrived requirements to get to. Not just levels, mind you, but full on worlds. World 4 as well as world 7 (out of 8) are not accessible should you play through the game the way any normal mario player would (left to right, jump on or throw fire at whatever gets in your way). Instead you go from world 3 to 5, then from 6 to 8 unless you meet some stupid requirements and find hidden pathways to worlds that for all intents and purposes, should just be accessible in the fucking game, given that numerically, they are BEFORE THE LAST FUCKING FIGHT. I looked up how to get to these levels on gamefaqs, and the methods typically involve using very hard to find items (like the magic shrinking mushroom which makes you even smaller and a one hit kill) in the final stages of worlds 2 and 5. My point is no rational person would think to do this because it deliberately makes what you're doing harder and less fun. So Nintendo, if you stop using lives and withholding features I fucking paid for in my games, then maybe I'll lighten up on you for once again releasing a system that ONLY YOU GUYS can make good games for.

Grand Theft Auto IV: From the number of perfect 10's and 9 point whatevers that this game got, you'd think that it signified the second coming of Christ. Fortunately, since Rockstar is not paying me obscene sums of money to plaster my blog with advertisements for their game, I have no qualms pointing out a few design tweaks that could have made what is a very good game (maybe an 8 in my opinion) into that 10 that IGN was so fucking eager to plaster across it. First things first: When I play a video game, I play it to retreat to a fantasy world where I can do things that I cannot do in real life (beating random pedestrians to death for no reason, waiting for the paramedics to show up, grenading their ambulance, then changing my clothes so the cops won't recognize me anymore). Here are a few things that happen to you in GTA IV.
* You have a cell phone. Now this wouldn't be so bad if you could only use it to make outgoing calls. The problem is you receive calls too. This means that you might want to go out and just play through some missions or kill random pedestrians until the army sends a tank up your asshole, but instead you get every lame-brained dipshit you have ever met in the game calling you all the fucking time wanting to hang out and get food and go to bars and stuff. This would be great if any of the stuff said dipshits ask you to do was actually fun. Instead you get treated to:

1. A lame darts minigame that is so childishly easy you have no problem scoring 301 points within 2 turns.
2. A lame pool minigame where you can view the table either from directly behind the cueball, or in a bird's eye view of the whole table. Now when has anyone EVER looked at the table from that angle except on unnecessary recaps in billiards tournaments on ESPN 2? Consequently, the game turns into you just mindlessly beating on the cue ball until you start deliberately trying to sink the 8 ball early so the game will just fucking end, but instead you halfheartedly knock around the 8 ball for a while because sinking shots is based purely on luck
3. Opportunities to go drinking which basically means an opportunity to drive drunk. Now here is what really bothers me. Provided I don't hit a cop car or kill a pedestrian in front of a cop, I can do whatever the fuck I feel like in a vehicle without currying police attention. However, once you're drunk (and believe me when I say driving well is impossible when you are) if you so much as drive near a cop, they start chasing you. Why shoot for realism on one end of the spectrum, but not on the other? It also bears mentioning that cops will chase you if you, and i will italicize this for emphasis, fail to pay a bridge toll.
   
4. Strip clubs where you can't do anything but watch repetitive and boring lapdances by mediocre character models
5. Food places where, and I am not making this up, the whole activity is driving to the food place, automatically losing $50 (even if you go to the McDonald's equivalent), then driving your douchebag friend who can't make their way to you even if they are in a completely separate burrow back to where they want to go.

The kicker is, if you DON'T do these stupid inane activities, you don't get valuable benefits they confer (free cab rides, cheap weapons). Sometimes the characters themselves are so annoying you don't want to listen to them ever, but you're forced to hang out with them so you get the bonuses for doing so (for players of the game, see: Brucie and Roman).

*The cops are way too easily alerted to your presence. I touched on this with the drunk driving/toll bridge thing, but I feel it bears a double mention because it gets really fucking annoying after a while. I don't know if they beefed up the cops' programming or just added more, but it seems like even when I'm not doing illegal things, a stray button push or an accidental bumper tap has me running from the fucking law for the next 20 goddamn minutes. It doesn't help that they come after you in such force that you kind of need to kill a few just to make your escape, which gives you a higher wanted level, meaning you have to run for another 20 fucking minutes... you get the idea.

I guess my overall gripe with the game is that it is inconsistent in how realistic it wants to be. Car crashes can now fling you through the windshields, getting punched doesn't lower body armor levels, you can now move faster than a walk when you're holding something heavier than a handgun... These are all good things, and it's certainly not as bad as say, cops in Driv3r, which is read Driver 3 for the uninitiated, chasing you with vigor typically reserved for #1 on the FBI's 10 most wanted list for running a red light, but still. This game is cartoon caricature violence at its finest, and it gets wrecked by having cops jump up your ass for tapping their car after you swerve to (against your better instincts) avoid a hapless pedestrian. They got rid of the ridiculous "your character needs to eat and exercise" requirements from San Andreas, but there are still a few things. I realize that Nicco will make friends in the course of the game, but for fuck's sake, if I don't need to make him eat and go to the bathroom, why do I need to take these assholes to dinner on my dime, requiring me to steal a car which usually results in me running around for a long time trying to avoid the cops that saw me from half a mile away. The point is if I wanted to take freeloading assholes out to lunch, I'd call my real friends (just kidding, you know I love most of you). When I play my video games, I'm doing typically to AVOID going out and doing things.

I'm gonna turn this into a two-parter, because this is getting ungodly long. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for part two!

You Wouldn't Take No For An Answer You Fucking Bitch

Don't worry kids, I'm not insulting you (yet, although we'll see where this takes me), rather quoting one of the many songs that has been stuck in my head for the last week or so. Yes that's right, Mindless Self Indulgence has finally come out with a new album (well, almost, but it's available to listen to on their myspace so, yeah, it's pretty much out). Let me put it to you this way. I, erm, acquired their album on Sunday night so I could listen to it on my iPod. Until today, nothing but that album was played on it. I think the lowest playcount for any track on the album right now is 12. Suffice to say, I am thoroughly enjoying it.

Now, the actual reason I'm writing this is because of a news post I prepared for Just Stunned (one of the strips set to go up I believe at the beginning of May). It started getting lengthier than I feel the average news post should, so consequently I decided to expand on it here. See, If has been completed for a while now (I would have to surmise at least since February. The band may have put it up on their blog but I'm just too fucking lazy to check). This means that they've been spending the interim period getting their marketing machine powered up to full steam, and have kept true to their roots of bending their fans over and fucking them in the ass.

You see, this makes the second album in a row now where MSI has released no less than eleventy-billion different versions. OK, that was kind of a lie. In actuality there are 4: standard edition CD, limited edition CD, limited edition vinyl, and edited cd. Normally, edited wouldn't warrant a mention, except for the fact that they added one track to it. They also added a different track to the vinyl edition, and added a few live songs on a special dvd for the limited edition. This of course means that there are, in actuality, 17 tracks in total (plus some live songs, but I'm only counting new stuff), but if you want all of them, you have to buy the same goddamn album at least 3 times.

But wait, there's more! Did you know that there is a special deal on their site's store where if you buy all 4 editions you get a t-shirt and a special vinyl single with yet ANOTHER new song plus a demo for one of the other tracks on the album? That's right, for $60, you can have the same album 4 goddamn times plus a t-shirt and some collector's edition shit. On vinyl. Because everybody has the capability to listen to vinyl all the time and of course it's not costly or a hassle to get vinyl onto your computer so that it's in an easier to access format. No, of course not, that would be MADNESS. It's an established fact that everybody everywhere always has access to a turntable and you can get songs off of them and onto your ipod simply by clicking your heels 3 times and saying "I didn't just get fucked, I didn't just get fucked" until you start to believe it.

I mean, seriously, if they're trying to keep people from pirating their stuff, this is so NOT the way to do it. I preordered If back in March and felt no pangs because 25$ for the limited edition CD and a t-shirt was a pretty sweet deal. And it almost seems like paying double that plus change to get all 4 isn't that bad a deal, but remember, you're paying the 25$ for one album and a t-shirt and the subsequent 35 amounts to 2 extra tracks and a vinyl single. Are you fucking shitting me? Is this shit for real? The only thing I've seen that's more jaw dropping was the "special edition" of trent reznor's latest crap fest that sold for 500$ and sold out upon the day of release.

The best part is that if you read the band's blog, they announce these "deals" like they're doing you a favor. I will reiterate a past statement: Are you fucking shitting me? I took one look at that announcement and my first thought was "I wonder how long it'll take for the other editions to get put up on isohunt". Because, my friends, the day I pay for the SAME FUCKING ALBUM 4 times will be the day my dick falls off from getting fucked to death by Jessica Alba. Need a less wordy summary? The day I buy the same album 4 times will be the day I am fucking dead.

The Unveiling

So those of you who haven't been paying attention to my shameless self promotion, the super secret mystery project (aka my webcomic) is now up with a grand total of 2 strips. You'll check it out, won't you?

http://juststunned.comicgenesis.com

It updates monday, wednesday, and friday hopefully. Hope you enjoy it!

We Find Most of our Clients Can Remember 2 Words

OK, Sega, this is it. I've been patient with you as a company, given that the Sega Genesis was my first video game system, but goddammit enough is enough. I cannot stand idly by while you continue to mouth-fuck your beloved intellectual properties to death.

So last week my roommate calls me over to check out the new sonic game's gameplay footage. Suffice to say, I was trepidatious. Remember Sonic 3D? The Sonic Adventure Series? Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games? Sega has done absolutely nothing to retain the trust of the gaming community at large, is what I'm driving at here. However, this new trailer had me about ready to drink that blue and prickly kool-aid. Minimal 3D elements, linear game play involving collecting rings and running fast, the game doesn't appear to be on rails, just some good looking 2D gameplay in some pretty nice looking 3D environments. Somebody hand me a chalice, I'm ready to drink.

Well, WAS ready to drink. I paused today to go on joystiq because I was at work and had nothing better to do. There I saw this coupled with this (sorry to be pulling a Tycho here and linking to 50 different things rather than summarize. I'm lazy. Fuck you.) Take this Kool-aid from my presence, for it pleases me not. "Reinventing sonic's gameplay" with "unusual situations"? All while "staying true to what made him an industry icon"? Fuck you! You don't get to claim you're reinventing him AND keeping him the same. And have you brain dead fucks at Sega learned nothing? What happened every time you tried to "reinvent sonic"?

Sega Developer 1: "guuuuuuh, let's turn sonic into a pinball game, then continue hitting ourselves in the heads with rocks"

Sega Developer 2: "better idea! let's give him a voice that 5 year olds would find lame, add some characters no one likes or cares about, THEN hit ourselves in the heads with rocks!

Sega Developer 3: "Gahhh! I just choked on my own tongue!"

Getting the basic gist here? So Sega, to quote the only funny madTV sketch in existence: "I will offer you a piece of advice. 2 words. Stop it. Just...just stop it." No good has ever come of "reinventing" sonic. Anyone remember the Dreamcast? No? oh right, at least in the US, there were like 4 games available before it tanked! That was when Sega turned themselves into the $50 hooker beneath the underpass, offering to license their beloved properties to the highest bidder, churning out shitfest after shitfest. Ever wonder why Sonic the Hedgehog 1, 2, 3, and Sonic And Knuckles did so well? Sega had the common sense not to FUCK AROUND with a working formula.

So fuck you, Sega. Fuck you for getting my hopes up, fuck you for sending them spiraling back to the ground, and fuck you for shilling out all of your integrity and turning sonic into a fucking werewolf. You stupid fucks.

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat...

I hope that sounded menacing enough. Anyway, I've been absent a few weeks, but it is not for nothing. I've been working on something. Here's a preview. The resolution sucks because google auto-shrinks your images, and since this took up my whole monitor...yeah, it kind of got fucked. Still, GAZE AND MARVEL!



Are you excited? I'm excited.