A Less Than Timely Rant

I am way behind the times in committing these thoughts to words, but the fact that I am stuck in this office for about 3 more hours with nothing to do gives me some time to get some good old fashioned vitriol going.

You know what movie is a stupid piece of shit? Avatar. Seriously. Fuck that movie and fuck James Cameron. I had been doing a pretty good job not thinking about this abortion of a film for the last month, but with the Academy Awards coming up this Sunday, it's been slowly coming back into my life like a herpes breakout. Although I don't know if herpes would be less obnoxious than listening to people justify why this movie is worthy of anything other than a straight to DVD release.

So Avatar is the most expensive movie ever, using state-of-the-art brand new equipment, and if you're the type who thinks movies aren't ALREADY way too fucking expensive, you can offer to throw even more of your hard earned dollars at James Cameron's feet to see it in 3D (read: see it with a huge fucking headache). Though this doesn't need to be reiterated at this point. If you hadn't already heard all this bullshit before then can I move into the cave you inhabit with you? It must be peaceful there. My point is that any time you ask someone to justify their opinion of this movie, they will immediately start talking about the special effects and/or 3D. One thing that is conspicuously absent from most people's positive assessment is any attempt to address the plot. If you push most Avatar fans on the issue, their response will be "yeah, the plot wasn't too original, but the effects/world/"immersive" 3D are so impressive that it makes up for it." Are... are you fucking kidding me? That's like saying you have the most unique house on the block that is built from material that can withstand a nuclear strike, but melts when exposed to rain.

First, to address the plot: Have you seen "Dances With Wolves" or "The Last Samurai"? Then you know what this movie is about. If you haven't, skim Wikipedia. Both of those movies are fucking awful too, so it won't take long to get the idea. Just throw in some nonsense about a rare mineral called (I fucking kid you not) "Unobtanium" and you have Avatar. If you just felt some bile rise in your throat reading that, don't worry, that's just proof that your brain functions. But you have the usual checklist: formerly unquestioning marine exposed to indigenous people of another planet who takes up their cause, the heartless corporation and army that oppose said indigenous peoples and marine (plus marine's posse), scientist type who "always kind of but not really" understood the people she studies, and a whole cavalcade of expendable dipshits who prance on and off screen contributing fucking nothing except spouting the most embarrassingly awful dialogue I have ever fucking heard.

Now, I will say that the Visual effects are good. That's undeniable and really, after 315 million goddamn dollars, there would be no excuse for the visuals to not make me shit myself in awe. And that's the problem, they're good, but most expensive movie EVER good? HELL no. Hell. Fucking. No. It's all very obvious CG work and the speed at which it ceases to be jaw-dropping and starts to be par-for-the-course and commonplace is maddening. After all, special effects cease to be any kind of special when they comprise the entire fucking film. Those are just effects then. And I'm sorry, but Mr. Cameron should really be looking to get his money back, because they're really no better than anything else from the last 5 years or so.

Of course, I would be remiss in my assessment if I didn't mention the whole 3D... thing. I did not see this movie in 3D because I resent the existence of that format. It makes me fucking nauseated, and because there is no way to provide any kind of feedback to the audience, provides all the immersion of a pop-up book. Plus you have to pay extra money for those stupid fucking glasses. The point is that if you need to have objects (I'd say characters too, but let's face it, they're more like objects than ACTUAL objects) flying into the face of the audience every 10 seconds to keep their attention, then either your movie needs one fuck of a rewrite or you're Michael Bay. A lot of people tell me I'm so sour about this movie because I didn't see it in 3D and thusly "don't get it". My response is this: If a movie is reliant on a gimmick that makes me physically ill to convey whatever fucking point it's trying to make, then it is a failure as a movie. Why not just make this a vehicle to display "things that would be cool if they existed" then just give a rundown on Pandora, sans the awful characters and plot, if they're really that unimportant to my "getting" of the movie? I can't goddamn believe some people.

I will remain immovable on this issue. If you think Avatar was a good movie, you are wrong. If you think that it is excusable to make a movie that has been done countless times before (all fairly badly) for the sake of "durfff I just made something pretty and who cares about original ideas or interesting characters?" then congratulations, not only are you wrong, you also have the same standards for entertainment as most household pets. This is all well and good, but I would request that like most household pets, you remain indoors until you undoubtedly die prematurely from eating something you shouldn't have, simply so filmmakers will stop pandering to your moronic tastes.

If The Last Legion was in fact the LAST legion, it's still debatable as to whether or not I'd fuck it

Seriously, this movie was awful. God-fucking-awful. It was a seemingly endless parade of shitty characters, predictable plot developments, and bullshit. In case you're not familiar, the last legion is supposed to be a precursor to the Excalibur legend that coincides with the fall of Rome to the Visigoths. Let's meet our cast ladies and gentlemen!
*Steadfast and headstrong commander, loyal to duty, but with much to learn about people beyond the battlefield
*Soldier that everyone thinks is a man but turns out to be a hot chick. She teaches the steadfast and headstrong commander about people beyond the battlefield. You know, with her vagina.
*Young boy thrust into a position of power which at the time he is not ready for, but through his experiences becomes the leader he is supposed to be.
*Public official, who while no good on the battlefield, proved to be an able senator. Sells his friends out to those in power out of self interest.
*Sage and mysterious old man who couldn't POSSIBLY be an incredibly thinly veiled Merlin from the King Arthur stories. That would have been far too predictable and the writers would never insult their audience like tha... oh wait. If you're angry about spoilers here, don't worry, you would have figured it out in like 5 minutes if you're actually masochistic enough to attend this movie.
*Also there are the faceless soldiers who blindly follow our steadfast and headstrong leader as well as the boy he defends. One is young, one is kind of older, and one is black. Diversity? Check.
*Let's not forget the evil power hungry warlord who is apparently a major player in the backstory of "not-merlin", but who has about 5 minutes of combined screen time in 2 hours. Also, he wears a really fucking stupid mask the entire movie that is apparently bolted to his face or something.
*Also, there is a magic sword that was forged from a meteorite. Apparently, that makes it the best sword ever, so a lot of people want it.
Basically, imagine the fellowship of the ring combined with a steaming pile of dog shit (oh wait, that was redundant), replace elijah wood with a 12 year old boy (woops, there goes my redundancy again), make the fellowship a little less gay, but somehow even more 2 dimensional, throw in a moderately ok battle scene, and you have this walloping turd of a film.
In other news, I'm leaving Colorado in 3 more days. This is 3 days too many, but being in single digits is a big plus for yours truly. Get your Michael time in while you can!