A Double Dose of Post-Concert Wrapups

Due to an ever shrinking checking account and the simple fact that no particularly interesting bands have come through New York (and when they do they cancel their tours for no reason *cough*scarsonbroadway*cough*) I haven't gone to a terrible amount of shows this year. Fortunately the last 5 days have completely made up for this disparity by offering me Dir en Grey with The Human Abstract on the 14th and just last night (the 18th) 3OH!3. So without further ado, my thoughts:

Dir En Grey w/ The Human Abstract
November 14th @ Terminal 5
Having seen Dir En Grey twice now and The Human Abstract once, I figured I knew precisely what to expect from this show: 3 or so hours of pure fucking awesome. Sadly, however, this was not the case. See, The Human Abstract recently (well, like 3 months ago anyway) released a new album and hence were promoting it on this tour. All well and good if they had managed to release an album that was actually worth listening to. Instead they tried to sound like the love child of Avenged Sevenfold and Opeth, but somehow missed every element that makes (in A7X's case, made) those bands any good and instead came out with a mishmash of boring and generic metalcore bullshit that had maybe one interesting riff per song. Now the problem with promoting your stupid shitty pseudo-prog album is that you have to play a bunch of songs from it. Thusly, we were treated to about 40 minutes of off key wailing while they meandered through emo keyboard driven sobfests followed occasionally by a song from the album where they were, you know, fun to listen to.

Dir En Grey was also promoting their new album, which I have yet to listen to fully because the rip I found of it was of appallingly poor quality, but it seems pretty ok, and they knew that we weren't there so that they could play all of their new stuff while disregarding more beloved songs. Thusly the set list was composed of songs from Withering To Death, Marrow of a Bone, and a handful from their new album and Vulgar, but that was totally ok. No one was expecting them to play shit from the 90's anyway. Kyo did about 3 minutes of whale mating calls combined with demon tongues at 2 points during the show, which was hilarious, then kind of annoying, then REALLY hilarious when the stupid overdramatic fuck passed out midway through the subsequent song. The band just played and I distinctly saw Karou and Die roll their eyes as they continued to play vocal-less. Still though, they put on the kind of show I was expecting and my neck was in agony for days afterward, which is always a good sign. Moving rapidly onward:

3OH!3 feat. Cobraconda, Chain Gang of 1974, and Innerpartysystem
November 18th @ Blender Theater at Grammercy
This was, categorically, the best show I have been to all year. For anyone who might not know, all of these bands are from Colorado and to date 3OH!3 is the only thing capable of instilling the slightest sense of state pride in me (because my stony black heart will only be moved by electro/crunk combinations apparently) because they are the epitome of what every band's attitude should be: fun and interesting (be it because it is danceable or because it's deep. 3OH!3 is obviously the former and none of the latter). They're a couple of skinny white nerds from Boulder and they don't give a shit how ridiculous it is that they are proclaiming that they will "hit you from the back and make you holler till you pass out". Nowadays everyone is so fucking serious (obnoxiously so in the metal scene) that it seems more and more bands are forgetting that music is supposed to be fun, not a taxing and elitist chore (I am looking squarely at you every hipster indie band). ANyway, Cobraconda was amusing as an opener, even though their costumes (a farmer, a cow, and three bananas inexplicably) reeked of desperation for everyone to think that they don't care what we think. Chain Gang of 1974 was pretty awesome, although their music is a pain to come by at present as they're still relatively underground. Innerpartysystem had the best light display I've ever seen at any show. To try to describe it in mere words would be silly and it also would not sound particularly impressive. You had to be there (and be as sauced as I was. Tangent: venue bars prey on people who go to shows by themselves. You're standing around by yourself and you see your wristband and you think, "well why the fuck not?" and then 25 dollars and 2 incredibly strong Gin and Tonics and a Beer later you're so soused that you don't even care that you just dropped 25 dollars on 3 drinks, one of which was a fucking Budweiser). Anyway, 3OH!3 had almost no real set, and no special lighting, but their performance was driven by pure energy. The crowd was so into it that you would have to be a damned statue not to get swept away. Opening with Punk Bitch, they segued through one of the best constructed setlists of all time. At no point did the energy die (Even on the slower Colorado Sunrise) and closing with Don't Trust Me while every member of the opening bands charged onstage to jump around like jackasses (in a good way though, we were all doing that) was fucking inspired. Anyway, I'm getting nasty looks from my supervisor, so peace out etc.

What's this? It Smells Like... Positivity!

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that while I'm certainly prone to being an ornery motherfucker, it's certainly not the only facet of my being. I am capable on occasion of being amused, pleased, perhaps even elated should something strike me in such a manner. So today there'll be something different on the menu. Instead of compiling yet another list of things that annoy me (midterms, studying, midterms, reading, midterms), here now, are things that I'm pleased with most recently.

-Fallout 3 - I just got this last night at midnight, and considering I had an early-ish class today and scant breaks, have still logged over 5 or so hours of play in every odd moment I've had enough time for the xbox to boot up. Now, I wasn't gaming back when fallouts 1 and 2 were big, and while I've been slowly working on fallout 2 here and there, I feel like some things you just miss out on if you don't get to enjoy it in its original context (I didn't even have a computer that ran windows until about 1998. Running reader rabbit would have strained the machines I grew up with). Anyway, I'm in no way qualified to comment on how this game stands out in the series, but it's good enough that my impending midterm on Thursday has me legitimately pissed that either the test or the game couldn't have come a week later. If something gets its claws into me that quickly, I think it deserves a mention.

-Shogun by Trivium - The last album from these guys sowed the first seeds of doubt in my mind about the future of heavy music. They went from being easily one of my top 5 favorite bands in late high school to simply falling back into the rank and file of faceless metalcore acts. Suffice to say, I didn't care much when they released a new album, but because I am a torrent-whore, I downloaded it anyway. Now, ascendancy, this certainly ain't, but here is what has re-sold me on the band: They admitted that The Crusade was a piece of shit. They might not have used those words, but they talked about how they created a record that couldn't resonate with the fans, and when you factor out the PR spin, then yeah, they just admitted their last record was shit. And yet Metallica still defends creating that abortion that was St. Anger.

-Play n' Trade - For all of you NYC gamers out there, this place is a gem. It is a diamond in a sea of gamestop turds. This is motherfucking Mecca. The store is located on 13th street between 3rd and 4th avenue, and after checking out their various services, I see no reason to ever patronize a Gamestop again. First off, their buyback prices can't be beat. I traded in Too Human, Final Fantasy III, and Sonic Rush Adventure and got two new copies of No More Heroes and Contra IV (somewhere around 50$ worth of stuff) and only went 75 cents over on my trade-in credit. Had I gone to gamestop, I probably wouldn't have even been able to get Contra. Secondly, they are friendly as hell. I went there at midnight to pick up my pre-order for Fallout yesterday (today?) and started talking to one of their employees about old school PS2's (the fat ones), Penny Arcade, and upcoming releases we were excited about. When midnight rolled around and he was allowed to sell me my game, he threw in a free skin for my PS2 because I was the first one to show up that night and offered to let me upgrade to the collector's edition of Fallout even though I had preordered the standard. Had I gone to gamestop, they simply would have asked if I would like to preorder anything else before forgetting I was there so they could rob someone else. I mean, I could extoll the virtues of this place ad nauseam, and I encourage anyone looking to make console related purchases (they don't sell PC stuff unfortunately) to check them out, because they deserve the business more than gestappostop (to steal a line from dueling analogs) ever will.

Wow, I think I'm gonna die from all of these sunbeams and puppy dog smiles coming out of my ass.

Fuck You, Mr. Malakian

Yeah. See that guy up here? Fuck that guy. Fuck him in his stupid whiny ass.

Those of you who might recognize this individual or the name "[Daron] Malakian" might be wondering: "why, Michael, why have you turned your back on the guitarist for the one and only mighty System of a Down?" Don't worry, my reasoning is good.

See, Daron here is heading up his own side project (Scars on Broadway) while SOAD is on hiatus and over the last couple of months, I have been listening to them pretty regularly. It's no System to be sure, but I liked it more than Serj's solo album and it had enough good tracks to earn a pretty prestigious spot in my itunes play counts. I enjoyed this album enough, in fact, that a little less than a month ago I bought tickets to one of their upcoming shows set for the end of October. I'm not a big fan of going to shows alone, however, and finding people willing to drop $25 on the ticket was tougher than I thought. Late last night/early this morning, depending on how you want to look at it, I decided to see if tickets were still on sale so that I could know if I should still bother pestering people to go with me. Imagine my surprise when the Irving Plaza website had the show listed as "cancelled". Suffice to say, I immediately went over to their myspace to see what the fuck happened to the show I had been anticipating for almost a goddamn month. Turns out, this had happened a few weeks ago, although the tour was slated to start a week after Daron decided to cancel, so I still feel vindicated in my outrage, as that is a pretty cocktastic move to pull. But what, pray tell, was the reason? After all, for such a sudden move, this cocksucker had better have a good one. Here's the most informative line of Daron's "explanation":

"now is a time when aspects of my life need to be tended to"

WHOA, there! Don't go unloading your life story on me pal! I could post the rest of it, but I feel that there is nothing else there that offers any clarification, just more pitiful attempts at Daron rationalizing cancelling an entire tour a week before it was slated to start. The official statement from the band's publicist simply stated that "Malakian concluded that his heart wasn't into touring at the time" They then go on to say that there is no plan to reschedule.

Excuse me? Are you fucking kidding me? You write and perform music for a living you whiny fuck. The pisser is that he may have a legitimate reason, but for some reason feels he doesn't owe his fans any clarification beyond "I don't wanna do it now". Some valiant myspacers have been quick to point out that "blah blah blah he's entitled to a personal life blah blah blah maybe if I defend this outright dickishness vehemently enough Daron will notice me and like me blah blah puke". Allow me to point something out:

Daron Malakian is a celebrity. He might not be on the same tier as that Hilton twat or Brittany Spears, but the bottom line is that he puts himself out in the public eye for a living and essentially puts himself and his music on display. When you become a celebrity, the very definition of the word means that no, you don't get to have much of a private life. And you can be damn shure that when you cancel a tour a week before the scheduled start and offer NO explanation other than half-assed excuses and poorly worded vagaries, people will remember you as the guy that cancelled a tour for apparently no fucking reason, not what as a poor suffering artist.

I'm not asking for all of the gruesome details, but come the fuck on. You can be vague but still give people enough of a clue as to why you pulled the rug out from under them all of a sudden. You have testicular cancer? "I've been advised that it would be medically unsound for me to do this tour after learning some new information". Some kind of death? Fine, don't even say who. Even if you just said "some kind of death" it would be infinitely better than the shit us fans were fed. Drug Problem? well you could... ah who am I kidding? Have you heard System of a Down? They've probably run out of drugs to do and had to start resorting to BZ just to feel anything. But you see what I'm getting at? You don't need to post pictures of your tumor, but let us know you're under the weather.

Or just cancel the tour with no explanation. Like a bitch.

On Idiots

I, uh, I have no really reasonable introduction so to speak, so I'm just going to dive right in here. As everyone is painfully, painfully aware, we have this election thingy coming up in just a few weeks. It's kind of, you know, a big deal and stuff. Anyhow, this particular election has provided a great window into a government gone wrong, a media just now beginning to regrow their testicles, and of course, Sara Palin in a bikini. Most importantly though, it's given me a few more reasons to hate a whole lot more people with such vitriol that I think I might actually explode. Allow me to Enumerate:

People who shrug off any information or issues with "I don't care about politics"
OK, where to begin with these fuckers? First of all, there's always the smarmy fucking way they say it, like they're too good to keep up to date. Because, you know, staying informed on the workings of your government is totally lame. Who cares if they're deliberating how best to just GIVE the very banks that are responsible for this clusterfuck we're in 700 BILLION fucking dollars of our money with no oversight or strings attached? Gossip Girl is on tonight and you just have to see what witty puns Kristen Bell will come up with this week. I don't even care about the social aspects here, as we can all agree that the government fucking with those is retarded. I am talking about opportunities to learn about the people who might be mandating what we do for the next 4-8 years. Here's a fucking clue: if you "don't care about politics" because you're disenchanted with the system, you are (and I will Italicize for emphasis) part of the fucking problem, not a part of the fucking solution. You are directly responsible for how out of control our Government has gotten because rather than keep up with what's going on so you can raise your voice before the problems arise, you sit there grinning with smug self satisfaction that you're not participating until you're living in a cardboard box giving rim jobs for pocket change wondering where all of your fucking money went. Here's a news flash assholes: you still live in this country (at least until we're bought out by China completely), so even if you "don't care" you are above or immune to absolutely fuck all. And when you're cleaning the shit from between your teeth after your 3rd rusty trombone of the evening, I will lean over to you from MY cardboard box and steal your floss.

People who think they are revolutionaries exacting change by not voting
(no Joel, this is not in reference to you. Your post earlier today was an example of a non voter with a good argument, plus I actually started writing this last week)

I can't decide if I hate these people more or less than the above. I'm not talking about people who simply don't vote (I have no real right to talk as I wasn't registered until right before I turned 21), but the ones who deliberately say they aren't voting because of the corrupt system or politicians all being the same or some other 19-year-old-who-just-discovered-Nietzsche stupid bullshit argument and think they are way smarter than you for figuring this out. They will proudly sit on their throne lording over you that "like, nothing will ever change, man". Well here's a fucking clue: it sure as shit won't change if you don't fucking do something about it. In case you haven't noticed, plenty of people (around half of the adult populace) don't vote and yet has it made a difference? It sure as fuck doesn't make any more of a difference than if you do. My point is, you certainly have your right to vote or not vote as you see fit, but if you expect anyone to give a shit that you're not voting because you're so fucking informed that you "see right through all the lies" or whatever, then don't be surprised when nothing changes, because I guarantee no one in Washington cares about your fucking vote. You are a statistical zero as an individual and they know where you won't vote, somebody else will. They say that people who don't vote don't have a right to complain, and I don't wholly agree on that point: People who think their not voting changes a single fucking thing don't get a right to complain because all they are doing is finding an excuse for their apathy.

If anyone wants the cliffs notes to this, read the headings in bold, and this gem from Harlan Ellison. It sums up my feelings on the matter quite well:

HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT. FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.

Descriptive Titles are for Suckers

I've reached a point where my posts tend to be so stream of consciousness based that it's almost pointless for me to put up a title. I guess one point to get out of the way for clarification: Allison and I recently broke up. I'm not thrilled about it, and It's weird adjusting to it, but in terms of breakups it's hard to imagine one more mutual. Gifts of booze in which to drown my sorrows can be brought to Broome 405. Just saying.

But moving away from the morose (lest this look like a friends only post on some 13 year old's myspace) we will now turn our thoughts to lighter fare, namely: music and stuff! There are a few things I've been wanting to talk about on here for a while, but felt that i really needed to give the albums their due listenings before I just shat out an opinion like so much...poop.

First up has been, while not quite a "Chinese Democracy" style wait, a long time in the making and that is Metallica's Death Magnetic. I know I'm not alone in saying that their last release (St. Anger) was probably the shittiest shit to ever be shat and the releases preceding it were terrible with maybe one good song apiece. So imagine my surprise when I start playing this album (that I of course legitimately purchased if Lars Ulrich happens to be reading this) and I mistakenly think I've started up And Justice For All. Apparently when Metallica went into the studio, Rick Rubin told them to write what they felt to be an "unreleased sequel to Master of Puppets" and in a sense that's precisely what the album feels like. Sure, there are a few forgettable tracks and they try (to little avail) to release a third track in "The Unforgiven" series (cleverly titled "The Unforgiven III" because when in doubt, just make the number higher), but when they are on holy FUCK are they on. James' voice hasn't aged particularly well and it's the only real complaint I have, but I also feel that I can't complain too much since your ability to sing will naturally be harder to maintain. This isn't the case with other instruments unless you suffer from debilitating arthritis or say, get crushed twice by a van. I hear that kind of kills your ability to perform well. Anyway, the album is definitely a return featuring chuggy but machine-like rhythms and awesome soloing. The lyrics are trash, but they always are. No one cares about the lyrics. The drums are...well, they're drums. At this point I'm just happy when Lars Ulrich shuts up and plays something that SOUNDS like drums. Master of Puppets it ain't, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. Lars Ulrich is still a total douche though. 7/10

Next on the docket is one of my most highly anticipated releases and that is from the almighty Slipknot. Everybody who was in to metal in the early 2000's definitely had a thing for Slipknot, and I am proud(?) to say that I probably put those motherfuckers to shame in what could only be described as adolescent idol worship. This album has been almost 5 years in the making and since then I've had plenty of time to stop giving a shit what the guys have been up to, and I'm only moderately sorry I did. Every track on this album picks from one of two settings: "awesome" and "stone sour b-side". I don't know if Corey Taylor is aware, but maybe someday he'll chance to read this post and he will hear me say this: The ONLY reason anyone listens to Stone Sour is that they're just biding time until you start doing Slipknot stuff again. I guarantee that if you started Stone Sour and never had anything to do with Slipknot, the act would be written off with the millions of other nu-metal casualties and abortions from 1998 or so till about 2003. People don't want to hear Stone Sour, it's simply a methadone for the heroin that is Slipknot kind of like A Perfect Circle is to Tool. My point is that if I wanted to hear Stone Sour, I want to hear it independently of the band I actually give a shit about. STOP SINGING LIKE THE TWO BANDS ARE INTERCHANGEABLE. I don't mind melody from Slipknot at all, but it has to sound like Slipknot, and they have a very distinct style. Enough bitching though. When the band is off, as illustrated above, they are OFF. When they are on, however, they have taken the Slipknot sound to a whole new level. Once again, the most notable improvement is Mick and James' guitar work, which really serves to showcase their ability. When not channeling Stone Sour, Corey sounds as raw and visceral as he did on Iowa and the songs are heavy enough to warrant a good solo-head bang while walking in public for no other reason than that you can't help it. 7/10

I am a big fat liar

Why am I a big fat liar, you ask? Well, remember how that last UNGODLY long post made mention that it would be a two parter? Well I was writing it at work and had every intention of putting up part two when I got home, but when I sat down at my computer, I forgot what else I was going to write about. Anyway, let's pretend I apologized for not updating for yet another month like anybody actually reads this fucking thing, and move rapidly onward.

Allison came out to visit towards the end of June. Ordinarily, I'd do the whole "my thoughts on Allison's visit" thing, but honestly, she was here for 2 weeks and we managed to do a lot of stuff. The point is, if you give a shit about what we did, ask me and I'll be happy to fill you in. Anyway, she's gone back to Baltimore now, leaving me a sad and lonely Michael until the end of August when i finally get to go back to New York. Just roughly 40 days or so...

Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about a few things that have caught my interest of late, so here we go. First up is the new Guitar Hero for DS. It's called Guitar Hero: On Tour, but I refuse to call it that largely because that title is a lie. Were one to take this game on tour and play it in places where a DS is the handiest (long car rides, plane flights, etc.) the people stuck next to you would put up with the incessant clicking and tapping for probably 5 minutes if you're lucky before they ram your snazzy guitar pick/stylus through your eyeball. Point is, it is impossible to play this game unobtrusively. You will convulse in rhythm with the song as you take sweeping hacks at the touch screen (which seems to just decide to stop registering that you're strumming at random, particularly on "Breed" by Nirvana) and the buttons make that obnoxious click that the guitar hero controllers are known for. Still, if you overlook the fact that there is literally no reason to have this game released for a handheld system, it's pretty fun. The songs are pretty good for the most part and the controller attachment (which plugs into the GBA slot on the bottom) is fairly intuitive. Strumming takes a few songs to really master, but (at least when it feels like working) becomes pretty ok. I'm just kind of annoyed that, as I said, there was no reason for this game to come out on DS. Just release another expansion like they did with "Rocks the 80's". It'll be less hard on our wrists (and I assure you, should you procure this game, that if you do not abide by the "take a break every 15 minutes" warning they give, you will develop arthritis before you beat it on easy). The kicker is that I would not be surprised at all if this shit wound up getting ported to something else anyway. I don't know, it's probably too early to tell.

I do have one huge gaping fucking qualm with the game though. Items in the store are locked. Not just special "you have to beat the game on hard or whatever" kinds of items either. Literally every item in the store is locked and has some arbitrary requirement to unlock it. Ordinarily I don't really mind unlockable content, but this is special because half of the things are unlocked by playing on easy and medium. Now I'm all for easing people into the difficulty curve of a game, but this is guitar hero. It's been out for a while and a lot of us may already be pretty fucking good at it. So I will say this in all capitals for emphasis: STOP MAKING ME FUCKING PLAY THE FUCKING GAME ON EASY AND MEDIUM. I HAVEN'T PLAYED THE FUCKING GAME ON EASY OR MEDIUM SINCE I GOT THE FIRST FUCKING GUITAR HERO GAME ALMOST 2 FUCKING YEARS AGO. GOING BACK TO PLAY EVERY SONG I'VE ALREADY PROVEN I CAN BEAT ON EXPERT ON EASY IS FUCKING INSULTING AND IT TURNS THE GAME INTO A CHORE. Ok, capslock off. So yeah, that's my major gripe...

This allows me to segue rather nicely to this announcement for Rock Band deuce. I'll give you a minute to read it. Done? Alrighty then. Does this game not look like the second coming? I swear it's almost enough to make the 200$ price tag seem worth it. Scratch that, I'd probably pay 3 and still feel like I was getting a hell of a bargain. Seriously, it sounds like with the attachment of just a few peripherals, this game could also become a combination blender/cuisinart.

Alright, that's all I've got for the time being. Keep it real, stay fresh, sick, and/or tight.

I nitpick otherwise enjoyable activities!

So it's been a while since I wrote anything. I'd apologize, but I don't give a shit. First, an administrative announcement:

Just Stunned hasn't updated in about a month. I know this. However, I started hitting wall after wall with the last week or so of strips that I did, and I was dissatisfied with the results, so I'm putting the comic on hiatus until I'm back in a comic-ing place. I'm not going to let it fizzle, but I do feel that I owe it to people to put out funny strips, and not just comics for comics' sake.

Now on to why I'm actually writing this: Of late, I've been playing quite a few video games, what with acquiring a shiny new DS, getting my xbox back from Microsoft, and having access to my own Wii again. That having been said, I've been noticing my gripes with some of my recent acquisitions have been building up almost as quickly as the things I love about them. First up:

Any game in the Mario Series: This gripe is spawned from mario games where you play as mario doing mario things, not to be confused with all out battles to the death, go-kart racing, and inexplicable, pointless, and repetitive party games. First of all, why does anyone use "lives" anymore? Lives were something that were created when games didn't have save features and were more or less beatable in one sitting if you were really good. The problem is, nowadays lives are just a way to punish you for getting stuck. Both "New Super Mario bros." and "Super Mario Galaxy" are guilty of this. You die, you go back to the last checkpoint you reached. You can do this ad nauseum should you still have lives. Once you run out you... uh... go back to the beginning of the level you got stuck on, meaning you have to go through all the shit you've proven you're capable of doing, only to get stuck on the same part. Until you run out of lives. Also, New Super Mario bros. has 2 entire worlds that you have to meet stupid and contrived requirements to get to. Not just levels, mind you, but full on worlds. World 4 as well as world 7 (out of 8) are not accessible should you play through the game the way any normal mario player would (left to right, jump on or throw fire at whatever gets in your way). Instead you go from world 3 to 5, then from 6 to 8 unless you meet some stupid requirements and find hidden pathways to worlds that for all intents and purposes, should just be accessible in the fucking game, given that numerically, they are BEFORE THE LAST FUCKING FIGHT. I looked up how to get to these levels on gamefaqs, and the methods typically involve using very hard to find items (like the magic shrinking mushroom which makes you even smaller and a one hit kill) in the final stages of worlds 2 and 5. My point is no rational person would think to do this because it deliberately makes what you're doing harder and less fun. So Nintendo, if you stop using lives and withholding features I fucking paid for in my games, then maybe I'll lighten up on you for once again releasing a system that ONLY YOU GUYS can make good games for.

Grand Theft Auto IV: From the number of perfect 10's and 9 point whatevers that this game got, you'd think that it signified the second coming of Christ. Fortunately, since Rockstar is not paying me obscene sums of money to plaster my blog with advertisements for their game, I have no qualms pointing out a few design tweaks that could have made what is a very good game (maybe an 8 in my opinion) into that 10 that IGN was so fucking eager to plaster across it. First things first: When I play a video game, I play it to retreat to a fantasy world where I can do things that I cannot do in real life (beating random pedestrians to death for no reason, waiting for the paramedics to show up, grenading their ambulance, then changing my clothes so the cops won't recognize me anymore). Here are a few things that happen to you in GTA IV.
* You have a cell phone. Now this wouldn't be so bad if you could only use it to make outgoing calls. The problem is you receive calls too. This means that you might want to go out and just play through some missions or kill random pedestrians until the army sends a tank up your asshole, but instead you get every lame-brained dipshit you have ever met in the game calling you all the fucking time wanting to hang out and get food and go to bars and stuff. This would be great if any of the stuff said dipshits ask you to do was actually fun. Instead you get treated to:

1. A lame darts minigame that is so childishly easy you have no problem scoring 301 points within 2 turns.
2. A lame pool minigame where you can view the table either from directly behind the cueball, or in a bird's eye view of the whole table. Now when has anyone EVER looked at the table from that angle except on unnecessary recaps in billiards tournaments on ESPN 2? Consequently, the game turns into you just mindlessly beating on the cue ball until you start deliberately trying to sink the 8 ball early so the game will just fucking end, but instead you halfheartedly knock around the 8 ball for a while because sinking shots is based purely on luck
3. Opportunities to go drinking which basically means an opportunity to drive drunk. Now here is what really bothers me. Provided I don't hit a cop car or kill a pedestrian in front of a cop, I can do whatever the fuck I feel like in a vehicle without currying police attention. However, once you're drunk (and believe me when I say driving well is impossible when you are) if you so much as drive near a cop, they start chasing you. Why shoot for realism on one end of the spectrum, but not on the other? It also bears mentioning that cops will chase you if you, and i will italicize this for emphasis, fail to pay a bridge toll.
   
4. Strip clubs where you can't do anything but watch repetitive and boring lapdances by mediocre character models
5. Food places where, and I am not making this up, the whole activity is driving to the food place, automatically losing $50 (even if you go to the McDonald's equivalent), then driving your douchebag friend who can't make their way to you even if they are in a completely separate burrow back to where they want to go.

The kicker is, if you DON'T do these stupid inane activities, you don't get valuable benefits they confer (free cab rides, cheap weapons). Sometimes the characters themselves are so annoying you don't want to listen to them ever, but you're forced to hang out with them so you get the bonuses for doing so (for players of the game, see: Brucie and Roman).

*The cops are way too easily alerted to your presence. I touched on this with the drunk driving/toll bridge thing, but I feel it bears a double mention because it gets really fucking annoying after a while. I don't know if they beefed up the cops' programming or just added more, but it seems like even when I'm not doing illegal things, a stray button push or an accidental bumper tap has me running from the fucking law for the next 20 goddamn minutes. It doesn't help that they come after you in such force that you kind of need to kill a few just to make your escape, which gives you a higher wanted level, meaning you have to run for another 20 fucking minutes... you get the idea.

I guess my overall gripe with the game is that it is inconsistent in how realistic it wants to be. Car crashes can now fling you through the windshields, getting punched doesn't lower body armor levels, you can now move faster than a walk when you're holding something heavier than a handgun... These are all good things, and it's certainly not as bad as say, cops in Driv3r, which is read Driver 3 for the uninitiated, chasing you with vigor typically reserved for #1 on the FBI's 10 most wanted list for running a red light, but still. This game is cartoon caricature violence at its finest, and it gets wrecked by having cops jump up your ass for tapping their car after you swerve to (against your better instincts) avoid a hapless pedestrian. They got rid of the ridiculous "your character needs to eat and exercise" requirements from San Andreas, but there are still a few things. I realize that Nicco will make friends in the course of the game, but for fuck's sake, if I don't need to make him eat and go to the bathroom, why do I need to take these assholes to dinner on my dime, requiring me to steal a car which usually results in me running around for a long time trying to avoid the cops that saw me from half a mile away. The point is if I wanted to take freeloading assholes out to lunch, I'd call my real friends (just kidding, you know I love most of you). When I play my video games, I'm doing typically to AVOID going out and doing things.

I'm gonna turn this into a two-parter, because this is getting ungodly long. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for part two!