On "Controversy"

OK, before you read this post, have you read the one below it? About Microsoft discovering sex? No? Go read it now. Don't worry, it's cool, I'll wait. Kind of amusing wasn't it? Anyway, here are my actual thoughts on all of this shit that's been happening.

I was going to post the original article that inspired this rage (now kind of notorious on the internet), but it looks like the hack who wrote it has since taken the post down off of his site (probably for two reasons: 1) he realized that he could not support a single claim that he made and 2) he is a cowardly idiot. Yes I'm resorting to name calling, but whatever. I will call an idiot one if I damn well please). The thesis is essentially that Mass Effect is a sex simulator that is only a step away from breeding a generation of sexual deviants and rapists. In lieu of that riveting journalistic expose, here is the Wikipedia summary, and here is the video it mentions, which is so goddamned infuriating that in spite of the fact that I was in a public office, I could be seen, headphones on my ears, scoffing and seething throughout its duration. The best part is the host claiming to "just have gotten back into video games" when it is obvious that even duck hunt would be beyond this feeble twat's grasp.

What baffles me the most about this so-called controversy is that this information has been available since literally MONTHS before the goddamn game was even released. Haven't we been done with it for awhile anyway? Besides, it was much more terrifying when, you know, the game wasn't actually done and no one knew. Now, just go to youtube, search "mass effect alien sex" and voila! Oh god, just look at it! the horror! My fragile mind is forever shattered!

This whole scenario is really just part of a much more disturbing trend, however. Pundits are being given far too much control of what the media reports, and the thing about most pundits is that they argue, rather than report. Thusly, they aren't exactly obligated to present all sides of an argument, or in this case ANY side. What grinds my gears is that the material in question is available for public review. It comprises 1:30 seconds of a 20+ hour game, and yet people are still getting their collective panties in such a twist that Chubby Checker wouldn't even know what to do. These panels consist of nobody knowledgeable on the subject of electronic media and that is profoundly disturbing. We see the same patterns in global warming and medical issues like stem cells and abortions. Instead of knowledgeable and reputable people from the fields in question, "information" is instead disseminated to us by conservative business interests and religious nutcases.

The worst part is that people seem to buy into this painfully ignorant media hype as fact rather than question what sounds like an incredibly dubious claim to begin with. A video game filled with hours on end of nothing but sexually depraved interactive sequences just flat out would not exist, much like you would not see screenings of Anal Cumsluts 4 at your local movie theater playing alongside The Chronicles of Narnia. In fact, if a game garners an Adults Only rating (which such a game, as described by these moronic hacks, would certainly receive), then the major platforms (Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft) would refuse to allow them to be published for their system until the content is back in check and the ESRB deems it Mature or lower. The points that some people make are fairly reasonable: parents should watch what their children play. I wasn't allowed to play any games with shooting whatsoever until I was 11 and had a firm grasp of the fact that video games weren't reality (by that time I had about 5 years of gaming under my belt). But for fuck's sake people, parents don't NEED to be on the lookout for rape simulators. In fact, if you find yourself in an establishment where you wonder whether or not electronic rape how-to kits are being sold, you should probably just cut your losses and find a different store, as I can assure you, you are not at Gamestop.

I guess the encompassing argument to this diatribe is as follows: just because the caption at the bottom of the screen says "panel of experts" it does not mean that these people are experts. Oil companies are providing global warming studies, religious figures are telling us how we should handle the field of medicine, and psychologists who wouldn't recognize a playstation if they were bludgeoned in the face with the box are "authorities" on electronic entertainment. The trend seems to be that the louder someone is, the more weight they carry in that particular field, and that is simply not true. After all, if that was the case, I would be the goddamned president.

Microsoft Invented Sex

I'm not even fucking kidding here. If it was not for Microsoft, I never would have known what sex was. Oh, I was a perfectly normal guy, leading a perfectly normal life these past 20 years. You know, prayer circles, youth groups, witch burnings, the usual. This Christmas though, that all changed. My parents, in what could only be described as the worst move they could have made bought me the new popular electronic entertainment title called Mass Effect. I know their intentions were good. They never would have dreamed that a game that was rated M for Mature audiences would have inappropriate content. Even though I'm over 17 (the age specified on the box) by a good 3 years, it never hurts to be thoroughly scrutinizing in one's media consumption. I began playing this game, and my mind was BLOWN.

Every single event in this game is wrought with sex. Just all kinds of intercourse. There is a weapon called the sodomizer. There is a peripheral that you can attach to your xbox so that when you rape somebody in the game, you can rape somebody in real life, the game mapping and plotting your every thrust and violation in sickening 3-d high definition graphics (720, OR 1080p. Smut peddlers). The times when you're not perpetrating your sickest fantasies involving sodomy, curling irons, banana peels, and a large mouth bass, you are simply not playing this game. You know why that is? Every second is jam packed with more smut than Sodom itself.

I never knew what sex was until Microsoft brought it into the media for the first time ever in this video game, but now, all i do is rape people in mass effect, then when I eventually overheat the system from all of the hardcore-pornstar-fucking I'm doing, I set small animals on fire and rape little girls. Thanks a lot Microsoft, because you guys made this game, I'm a murdering sexual deviant, capable only of achieving orgasm if someone dresses up like an alien bitch and lets me hold a gun to their rectum.