The Maryland Chronicles

So I decided that this whole thing needs more than a paltry introduction. To the meat of the matter, say I! So recently (as in a few hours ago) I returned from a trip to Maryland. The purpose of this visit: see my friends Megan, Ryan, and Beast, visit the lovely ms. Allison Levin (the woman not ashamed to be associated with me for the time being), meet said lovely girl's parents, avoid castration by her father. So, without further ado, here is the breakdown:

Monday (7/9): I get in to Maryland at like 2 in the afternoon. Several empires both rise and fall while I wait for my bag. I rue that not all airports are as efficient as DIA. Seriously, as much as Colorado sucks a major dick, DIA is far and away the best airport I've ever gone to, in spite of its lack of a starbucks. Anyway, my buddy Ryan is waiting for me in a jeep covered in bat shit, and we head off to his house. Allison meets us at Ryan's house, we watch Ryan teach kids how to jump into water with style for a couple hours, then convene with Megan and Mike and get some of the most spectacular pizza I have ever imbibed. Like an angel coming in my mouth. Anyway, we go back to Ryan's and get his HD projection tv going and get our guitar hero on. I quickly realize how long it has been since I have played this game. The fact that I have recently helped kill a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of vodka probably isn't helping. Anyway, we all turn in eventually, Allison and I crash in what might be the hottest room in Ryan's house for a night of questionable sleep.

Tuesday (7/10): Allison and I awake to an empty house. Taking pity on me, she takes me to her house a day earlier than anticipated. We catch up on sleep (Ryan's house, while a nice house, did not have the greatest sleeping arrangements), then spend pretty much the rest of the day running errands for her family. I meet the parents, her mom is a very nice woman, and her dad is a frightening man. As the boyfriend, it's always good to have a healthy fear of the father. It doesn't help when his first experience of you is the time you accidentally called their house line drunk at 3 in the morning thinking it was his daughter's cell phone. Still, I think I managed to at least reset the man to "neutral" towards me, so that's a plus... We get gelato with some of her friends later that night, they are very nice people. Megan's friend Colleen spends over an hour talking about her boyfriend. Allison and I listen patiently and leave as soon as we get an opportunity. I can only listen to stories about how huge some dude i don't know's dick is for so long.

Wednesday (7/11): Allison managed to score me a gig helping her merch a show for Nickelback, Staind, and Daughtry. I hate all of them (well, there are a few staind songs I like, but other than that, hatred), but basically I get paid to hang out with my girlfriend all day. Anyway, I could merch shows as a damn profession. You're under no obligation to be friendly or treat people well, so if they're dicks, you can be a dick right back. Prime example: A guy walks up to me, asks me to throw away a crumpled bag he has in his pocket. There is a trashcan 10 feet to my left easily accessible to all patrons. I looked at the bag, looked at him and said "I'm not your trash service sir". He's pissed, but his kids want to buy shirts and the other merch folk are busy, so he's stuck with me. I sell him the shirts and as he hands me his card he goes "real helpful with the trash there. great customer service". I smiled, took his card and said "your trash disposal is not my fucking job." I've never seen a man sign a receipt so angrily. POWER TRIP!!! Anyway, idiots listen to Nickelback. Over 50% of the people I sold to did not know their t-shirt sizes. WHO THE FUCK DOES NOT KNOW THEIR T-SHIRT SIZE? Other people would look at the display, which consisted of nothing but t-shirts and sweatshirts and ask "do y'all have tank tops?" Do you fucking SEE any tank tops, asshole? No, we have a secret stash only available to shrewd individuals such as yourself. Idiots. Anyway, show ended, went back to Allison's to crash.

Thursday (7/12): Allison had work most of the day, so I spent the day in Towson with Megan perusing shops and such. We went to see the new Harry Potter movie that night once Allison was off work. Kind of disappointing, but I didn't shit myself with rage or anything. We try to make plans for later that night, but nothing works out. Allison, Megan, and I return to Allison's house and make delicious lava cakes (chocolate cakes with liquid chocolate centers). I O.D. on cake batter. In spite of the sugar high, eventually Allison and I crash.

Friday (7/13): Friday the 13th- OOOOOOO! Allison tries an experiment where I wear her pants as we had originally intended to go to some indie dance club. The plans fell through, and there is no evidence of me in the pants, but they fit disturbingly well. More room for my junk than I would have thought... Anyway, the plan to go to the club falls through, but we go to an Orioles game with some of Allison's friends, followed by a visit to a dive bar with the most erratic pricing ever. I got taxed for not having boobs as well as probably being very obviously under age (let's face it, I'm 19 and goddamn look it). Still, my liver had been getting complacent since I got back from NYU and I needed to make that fucker earn his keep.

Saturday (7/14): Same routine as most of the beginnings of the days. Lounge around at Allison's, go out at night. We go to Georgetown with Megan to meet Beast and go to a hookah bar. This place was probably the hottest location in Georgetown. Not stylistically. I mean that this is a place full of burning and smoking hookahs and NO AIR CONDITIONING. And terrible service. We tipped like 8%.

Sunday (7/15): Same morning routine as usual. That night we go with Megan, Molly, and Rachel Ellis to a roller derby bout. This is basically a mosh pit on roller skates with a scoring system. Fun for a while, but it kind of turns into a nascar event after a certain point: people turning left ad nauseum. We then go to an artsy diner called paper moon, which must be a hipster's paradise. Lots of kitchy shit on the walls and a vaguely pretentious air to all of the staff. Still, they make a fine grilled cheese.

Monday (7/16): I meet Allison at her internship at city paper (she's a fact checker there) and head to the airport. Leaving sucks. I miss everyone again. Still, good times, and I go back to New York in a little over a month. This was a lengthy post for a first real one. Kudos if you made it all the way through... I'll update if I have something relevant to say.